evening, except I got overexcited and couldn't sleep till 2 am. I went for an unscheduled run today because the weather was just fantastic. It was hard and I felt very tired running for the second day in a row. Ended up just doing slow 5km and then
walking. Later Inga got back from her mom's and we went for a walk in the hills. My legs are tired! But I feel better mentally, and that's what counts. Planning on enjoying these last days of our vacation before I dive into therapy.
I'm thinking back to the beginning, where I would have to start, and it's like a knife in my chest. I would give up anything to feel that way again. And I did, I sacrificed all I had. Did I misread him then or later? I don't trust myself when it's
about him. I feel like the floor has been knocked out from under my feet. I can't handle it. Did I push the love of my life away - twice? Or is he a lost cause? Why was life with him unbearable? It's like I've been drunk the whole time, I can't even
tell. I wish I was dead. I'll probably feel better after my therapist works on me for a while. I sure hope so. Otherwise I'm ***ed.
When a therapist starts digging around my past I get a new one. Some people must find delving into the past useful but I really never have. The past is literally the past. It's gone. I just to want to improve and look to the future. Is that wrong?
(Sorry for the rant, Alicia, I hope the therapy goes well. I am sure your therapist knows what they are doing, and it's best to to trust them but if it's too painful for you, you must tell them.)
If my counsellor asked about my past traumas I'd tell him to go *** himself (politely - by saying 'what's the point? There's the future and self improvement we could be focusing on').
I've only ever liked therapists who want to help me improve myself and tell me how to do it. These 'dream analysts' and 'past delvers' can *** off.
Ahh, now that rant was a good therapy session! I'm lucky to have friends like you (and the other pandas reading) who are just as useful as any therapist.
Sometimes, breaking down these things leads to rebuilding and improvement. Sorta like opening a sore to let it heal. It can be healthy to feel this pain and figure it out, I think. I hope. *Big hugs*
My problem is that I am living in the past. Not all the time, I do have good moments when I'm present in the now, but that takes conscious effort. I can't let go of my past, and that's hurting my present. That's why I need a therapist in the first
place. You are different from me in that respect, John, and that's really great, I'm happy for you.
Jeff, I hope you are right and there is hope for me with my stupid sores!
I don't have much therapy experience yet, and certain things I'm definitely struggling talking about, but I think for me it's also kind of helpful to talk about some problems from my past, to look at them in a different way & finally to let them go.
I too have found it helpful (ultimately), though painful, to talk about the past. It is really difficult and stirs up stuff, no doubt, and it won't help everyone, any more than any method would. If it feels like
Aaaargh, if you feel it could be helpful, then I would say give it a go.
You are probably right, Cindy. I will.
thinking about Ivan. A TV show brought on the memories I thought I was numb to by now. I'm not. I might never be. I'll feel a little better tomorrow, though. I'll just hate myself for a little bit right now. 6 for a very good day tho.
I'm envious of all the snow you have. Enjoy it!
Lydiaaaaaa! I've missed you :) Hello :) And thank you.
I hope it works out!
I'm happy for you 🤞, I'm looking for it too🙏
Sounds like you felt able to talk. 🙂
Fingers crossed for you
Thank you, dearies.
I'm pretty tired physically tbh, but I'm looking forward to seeing some snow and hanging out in the same apartment where I met Inga for the first time (since school anyway) :) Kinda romantic! I suck so bad at skiing though… I'm scared of speed.
I don't think I'll ever really get into it. Shame, it looks like a LOT of fun for other people.
Have a wonderful time!
In a few years they are meant to be reopening the abandoned artificial slopes in my city. It's really, really, expensive, but it's where nearly all (all 5?!) the UK winter Olympian's used to train.
John, it really is an expensive hobby :(
When you post tap 'show advanced' then tap the tiny calendar icon.
Sorry that sentence was a horror show, but I'm sure you know what I meant.
Oh, thanks, John :)
though she had ballet earlier and was tired. She wakes up at 5:30 am every day! Mom's OK too, which is good after last night. She's had one of her 'crisisesesess' and I stayed with her till 2 am, torn between irritation and empathy. I'm glad to be
going home tomorrow! Though some part of me has been so badly affected by this kind of behavior when I was a child, that now my life feels empty and pointless without an unpredictable hysterical person. Yuck. Got a couple great thoughts from
Sam Vaknin's new video: depression is punishing the internalized bad object (parent that fails to give the child what they need). Ergo, I don't hate myself per se, I hate the part of me that is the representation of a demonised version of my mother?
I'll take that! Other thought: depression has addictive qualities. For a narcissistic person, cause Sam always talks about those. I don't know about other kinds of people, but I can relate. I hate being depressed, yes, but there is a certain
je ne sais quoi to it. I really don't want to offend anyone, I'm only talking about myself here. It makes me feel special. When I'm depressed, I'm the only person that matters to me. In a horrible, hateful way, but still. I allow myself to matter
when I'm in pain. I allow myself to be abrupt, irritable, tearful. I allow myself to show emotions. There it is. Food for thought, definitely.
I definitely relate to the addictive qualities of depression. Have thought about that a lot. There's comfort there, in the ability to ignore everything else because life is hard, to suck your head into your shell and block out everything else...
It's an excuse, really, and indulging it just makes depression worse, I think. I succumb to that too...
Lots of wise thoughts here.
Interesting thought, Jeff. Thank you for sharing
Lippi, van Dyck, the both Bruegels and Goya, and Tintoretto, and El Greco, and many others I don't remember because I don't know them that well. Goya made an impact on me, I need to see more of his works! It was just one portrait of a dude that looks
kind of like Vincent Cassel, but it really made my heart flutter, and I don't quite know why, but it did and it was wonderful. What else… my sister gave me a hug today. She's cute when she's had enough to drink XD Tomorrow is another fun day
of museuming and ice skating in the evening. I'm happy today.
Goya is indeed pretty great (and I love El Greco and some of the others you mentioned too). Sounds like a lovely day
Happy to see you happy today! :)
Holidays with the family, am I right? My sister is a very frustrated person who hates the concept of self love and 'can't even imagine that and don't want to talk about it, shut up'. My mom loves criticizing and making fun of the mistakes people make
They are not bad, my mom and sister. They just have no idea what emotional support is, be it for others or themselves. In my new family it's different. We do make fun of each other sometimes, but if I call Inga or even Alex and say I'd screwed up,
their reaction will be: 'It's OK, we all screw up! How can I help?'. It's so ***ing amazing, thinking about it makes me want to cry.
I can understand feeling sad about this - sounds like you're mourning what you realise your family of origin can't provide. It's good that you recognise they're not bad people. You're also very lucky to have found a family who can give you the right
support. Maybe that means you can have
Aargh! You can have a relationship with your family of origin based on different expectations? Probably depends what you want/need from them, which may itself change over time. You'll find the way that's right for you - you're very smart, perceptive
Cindy, you rock :) I agree I must be mourning something, maybe the years when I needed support so ***ing much and never got it, didn't even know it existed. I don't really need it anymore, I've become self reliant in that way. But the young me did.
Basically feeling sorry for myself here :) and also for them. I hope I can make them feel a little better one day.
Wishing someone would come and save me from feeling this way. I know it's ridiculous and unhealthy. Just a little daydream to keep me going.
It sounds like you have really good insight into who you were and thus who you are. But you have to forgive past you, too. We are all damaged. The fact that he cared and cares about you says all you need to know about who you really are!
Also, I'm happy you're still running! About to go for a run myself. Hoping my leg holds up!
Skype last night. Not the abusive ex, this one is from before, and we've had a pretty weird relationship on and off for SO many years, I can't believe it. Ever since I was, like, 18? I am realizing now how detached I was from my own feelings. I don't
know how to process that or deal with them. I can't go back in time and see how I really felt back then. I only know that for some reason, I need to know we still care about each other. If one day I found he didn't care at all anymore, it would be
very hard to survive that for me. I don't know why. My self-worth depends on that maybe? He's seen me at my absolute worst, completely out of control and crazy, drunk, cheating, getting into a fight, and he still thinks I'm a great gal. I was pretty
OK at other times, but he's taken a lot of *** from me. Especially my emotional unavailability. Talk of love was ridiculed. He did hurt me, too, somewhere in the first 2 years of our 'serious relationship' phase, and I was a dick to him ever since.
I had my reasons, he was the first and last man I trusted between my dad leaving and now. I am learning anew these days. And he did break my trust (by ignoring me and our sick cat and living in the world of video games. It sounds dumb, but it was
quite an injury to my ego back then). I was not a good person bac then. I remember my cousin calling me and begging to not meet up with Andrew again, because cousin had seen the result the last time around and had to pick up the pieces. I believe
I may have been the abuser in that relationship. That makes me feel like ***. Makes me wonder about Andrew, too. Is he damaged like me, and that's why he is most interested in having this sort of relationship? I hope not. I hope he's happy.
I hope there's a little space in his heart reserved for me. I know there's one for him in mine.
Sorry for the rant, last night just got me thinking and I'm still a bit confused.
Thank you, Jeff, you are so kind, I'm gonna cry again :) Have a good run! Go, leg!
Thank you, John. Love you mucho!
A, you are the most lovely and caring friend to many lucky people, myself included. I look forward to this whole year all the more because I have you to chat, talk, write, and send things to. Don't dwell on who you were or might have been.
You've got so much to give the world but what you give doesn't matter as long you enjoy doing the things you give.
I'm glad it's not the abusive ex, look at how much you've gone through, with an abusive person, from experience is so hard to get out of and you've succeeded! You're really strong
Forgive yourself, no matter what happened or who is to blame, as long as you are in another place today, well done
Merry Christmas, Alicia,
Merry Merry Christmas, Alicia! ❤️
into one of the bad moods yesterday and is still in it. Could be PMS, could be a seasonal thing, either way I have no idea what to do except leave her alone as requested. There will be no partying though, that's for sure. We had nothing planned , so
it's OK, but I'm a little irritated, because all of October and November and part of December I was spiralling, cutting and having very bad thoughts, but I still went to all parties, meetings and gatherings and made the effort to look OK.
I guess I should be irritated with myself and learn to sulk when I need to and just do me, whatever others' plans may be. For now I'm feeling quite yuck. I think I'll paint now. That's doing me.
Sorry for the sad post, bears, I wish you a very fun holiday, lots of love and cheer. Big hugs!
Big hugs Alicia - sorry to hear this. xx
Yeah, that is crap. Sorry for the situation. Don't be irritated at yourself though. I think you are perfectly justified in feeling that way.
week, did it on Wednesday and Friday, in spite of having late nights out and drinking quite a bit. Running helps with hangovers btw XD. It went well, I had fun and found I wasn't that out of shape. I mean, I'm generally out of shape, but I didn't do
worse than before, if that makes sense. Lost 2 kilos, so yeah, feeling pretty good. With the usual underlying self-hate and dissatisfaction, of course, but this is a good day for me.
Yeah, John, last night I was :D
Well done on the run! You're doing great! 🙂
Congrats & well done, Alicia!
Mood plummeted a little today. Didn't see the point in getting up, had to talk myself into it. Going to a restaurant tonight, but feel like I don't deserve that kind of food (manty, that's like Russian ravioli, except with meat and much better).
Because I don't run and I'm feeling all out of balance. I'll try not to overeat, and tomorrow I'll go for a little test run. Then it'll be OK .
Good luck with your test run! Hope you're able to ramp it back up again!
I can't even imagine going to a ballet performance like that. Sounds amazing!
credit instead of cash, probably. That's a bummer. I'm glad I can run again, though, I'm very grateful to my body for its resilience and strength. Lost some weight due to the constant tension from nerve pain, but gained it back in one day, of course.
That's fine, I said it's fine, it's OK god dammit! It's been a while since I'd painted. I should try and find the time to do it tomorrow. I've got some ideas that are waiting their turn.
Yes, it's OK! Also, what kind of winter running shoes do you need? If running on snow/ice/crud, the best thing to do is take your old running shoes and put screws in the soles. Lots of stuff online how to do it. Makes a huge difference!
Our local running store screws our shoes for free! (I always giggle at how dirty that sounds...)