6.3 avg
  532 days
  3453 hugs
  98 followers
5 Alicia B
11h ·
I'm still feeling lost without my knee problem. I mean, I still can't run or even walk normally, but when it was really bad I felt so much better about myself. Like I was being strong, and overcoming
Alicia B
11h ·

something, and being worth something. It sounds ridiculous and probably offensive to people with disabilities, I know. But I did feel better having a problem. It wasn't the first time in my life either. Mental issues are different. You can't just be

Alicia B
11h ·

brave and positive in the face of depression and psychosis. You go to pieces, and you loose all semblance of dignity, and you are ugly with the snot dripping from your nose, and people around think you are weak, and YOU think you are weak.

Alicia B
11h ·

I hate my brain. I wish I could just be OK most of the time. You know, not depressed. Just fine with life like some people I know and love. Upset when there's reason, fine when there's none. Sorry, guys, I needed to rant.

Alicia B
11h ·

I just feel so weird these days. Like I'm realizing something about myself yet again, and I need to come to terms with it, and it's hard.

Albertine M
10h ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
4h ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
2d ·
Finally told myself to go and paint something. It felt good. Tried a (very small) black canvas for the first time ever, I loved it! Thought I'd conveyed what I was feeling.
John T
2d ·

*Hugs*

John T
2d ·

It's great! You're great!

Alicia B
2d ·

Thank you <3

Jeff M
2d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
2d ·

Good for you... interested to see what you do on a black canvas!

PuggyM R
2d · NEW

*Hugs*

PuggyM R
2d · NEW

I know, I loved the feeling when I got up and just started drawing again, I did one of the best drawings I have ever done

Lydia R
2d ·

*Hugs*

Jen B
2d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
1d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
1d ·

Loved your new piece! ❤️

Alicia B
12h ·

Thank you, Jeff and Manda <3 for your interest in the stuff

Alicia B
12h ·

Puggy, I'm so happy for the both of us :) I'd like to see your drawings, are you on IG or something?

Albertine M
9h ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
3d ·
Lazy day. Not particularly sad, so that's good.
Jen B
3d ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
3d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
3d ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
3d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
4d ·
I'm feeling sad for reasons I can't fully comprehend. Hoping telling a friend and hearing what they've got to say will bring me some clarity. Will journal as well.
Manda P
4d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
4d ·

Hope you feel better soon, Alicia. This reminds me to start journaling. I'm going to do it tonight. I used to do it regularly for years. I even have an online journal at opendiary.com that I started in 2000. I pay $5 a month to keep it. History.

Jenny D
4d ·

*Hugs*

Masha S
4d · NEW

*Hugs*

Lydia R
4d ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
4d ·

*Hugs*

John T
4d ·

*Hugs*

John T
4d ·

I hope you are feeling better too. Not everything is comprehensible (the brain is finite). Realising that can clear things up by itself.

Alicia B
3d ·

Thank you, pandas <3

Once logged in you can be part of the community
7 Alicia B
6d ·
Leg's feeling better, I've read that I should be going for walks after having it rest for a few days (let's pretend like I did do that. I mean, a crutch is rest, right?). Kiwi the cat is overjoyed to
Alicia B
6d ·

see me, I've worked through some issues back in Portugal (they are issues I had worked through before and probably will work through again, because they keep coming back, but still it's a good thing), I feel like I'm doing OK. Surprised to have lost

Alicia B
6d ·

no weight though. Honestly, it felt like I was working twice as hard every day. I seem to be stuck. I'm not upset though, well, maybe just a little. I'm feeling good in general, and I'm proud of my stoicism. I didn't ruin anything for anyone on this

Alicia B
6d ·

trip, and though I was in constant physical pain I still really enjoyed myself (cramps, horrible cramps from using the muscles I don't normally use). This is the side of myself I really like.

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

Glad you are feeling better & were able to enjoy yourself. Now don't cheat on your instructions of rest, Missy! xx

Lydia R
5d ·

*Hugs*

John T
5d ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
8 Alicia B
7d ·
Leg didn't stop me from having fun on holiday. I got a crutch and walked more than I expected. Muscles used to it by now though right hand is a bit sore. And Portugal is my favorite place now :)
Isy M
7d · NEW

*Hugs*

Albertine M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
7d ·

Yay!

John T
7d ·

*Hugs*

John T
7d ·

I'm glad you are feeling better. Have a good evening and reply to my message I'm bored.

Alicia B
6d ·

Aw, John!

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
09 Apr 2019 ·
Spent yesterday talking to doctors, but don't know what I've done to my leg. Seems there is a tear in there somewhere. I can walk slowly though so I did take that plane and I'm in Porto now. I was
Alicia B
09 Apr 2019 ·

really happy, too, until I remembered that D. was two hours away from here when we met online back in 2006. I was so glad to not be thinking of those times lately. I'm tired.

Alicia B
09 Apr 2019 ·

Tired of him in my head. Go away, dude.

Janine S
09 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Natalie C
10 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
10 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
10 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
10 Apr 2019 ·

Glad you were able to go! Some people just can't be evicted from our heads, but maybe you will learn how best to live with him there and be ok with it. If not, a sharp pencil to the ear might do it! (kidding!)

John T
10 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
10 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
4 Alicia B
08 Apr 2019 ·
Was playing badminton yesterday when suddenly my leg went out from under me and felt like my knee was bent to the left. When the pain subsided I couldn't stand on the leg, because it would bend at a
Alicia B
08 Apr 2019 ·

disturbing angle and would not hold me. ***.

tEnT S
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
08 Apr 2019 ·

I just got an appointment at the doctor's. I'm supposed to be on a plane tomorrow. Today is Inga's birthday. Trying hard not to spiral out. I've come to rely on physical activity to keep my mind in check. Also, counting calories and waiting for more

Alicia B
08 Apr 2019 ·

weight loss has been a great coping strategy. When I'm focused on that I'm not focused on other things. Which maybe I should be. I'm not sure what they are, but probably scary for me. Also, asking someone for help all the time is not my cup of tea.

Lee F
08 Apr 2019 ·

Also supposed to be on a plane tomorrow, I'm fairly anxious about it.I hope you can manage to get your flight. I will visit GO today and see if he can help my anxiety I seem to have developed.

Spacekitten V
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
08 Apr 2019 ·

Yikes, hope the leg is ok! RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation). Good luck tomorrow. Remember that seeing a doctor for a medical issue is always appropriate and not just asking for help!

Manda P
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
08 Apr 2019 ·

Hope you can get your injury sorted out. It sounds so painful! It's always ok to ask for help.

Lydia R
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
08 Apr 2019 ·

Lee, fingers crossed for both of us! Jeff, by asking for help I meant bring me drinks and stuff like that.. It's a good practice for me. Accepting help is a good thing to know how to do, I should think

Alicia B
08 Apr 2019 ·

Thank you, Manda 💜

Lee F
09 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lee F
09 Apr 2019 ·

Thanks Alicia

Jeff M
09 Apr 2019 ·

Oh, I got ya. Yeah, it's hard to need assistance, but it is good to learn how to graciously let others help us.

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
07 Apr 2019 ·
Didn't exercise yesterday, didn't paint either. Got my new glasses, tested new contacts, then grocery shopped and cleaned. I guess that's OK too. It wasn't a bad day. I do hope I find time to paint
Alicia B
07 Apr 2019 ·

before leaving for Portugal though. Maybe tonight.

John T
07 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

me M
07 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
05 Apr 2019 ·
Woke up feeling less motivated than I'd like to be. Went for a run, then a walk then another walk with Inga. Did a total of 19k steps, feeling great now. I think I'll sleep super well :) Great talks
Alicia B
05 Apr 2019 ·

with Inga lately, and I'm doing good on my own as well when it comes to self awareness and stuff. I'm still struggling with my problems, but whenever there is progress, there is good mood. As Mark Twain (I think) said, happiness is believing you will

Alicia B
05 Apr 2019 ·

be happy soon. He put it better, of course.

T O
06 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
06 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
06 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
7 Alicia B
04 Apr 2019 ·
Did I mention I was irritable? I've gotten into an argument with Alex. He was being slightly dicky, but I'd normally ignore that. Then, spent an hour talking to Inga about him, life, fear of intimacy
Alicia B
04 Apr 2019 ·

and how we all get closer and then push away from each other like Brown'ian Movement. It made me feel infinitely better, I'm sort of almost feeling good and relieved now. I guess I needed a conversation with abandon. One during which one doesn't

Alicia B
04 Apr 2019 ·

really filter what one says, you know?

Alicia B
04 Apr 2019 ·

Also, I must confess, a little tequila helped me with that talk. In moderation, don't worry! (I know you don't)

nixiblu .
04 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
05 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
05 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
05 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
05 Apr 2019 ·

Easier to be honest when we're not getting in our own way, and alcohol definitely helps with that! I'm glad you found a way to help yourself!

I | FE4RR ]
05 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
08 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
3 Alicia B
03 Apr 2019 ·
Very ***ty mood. No particular reason, just a phase I suppose. Might take a long lasting Quetiapine today. Will see how that goes. Don't want to do anything but got German lesson and quiz later. Not
Alicia B
03 Apr 2019 ·

in the mood for a quiz at all. Our team might cancel because too few people can play tonight. I guess everyone is on vacation. Or upset since the last game. Ugh I hate feeling like this.

Lolly22 T
03 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
03 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lulu S
03 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
03 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
03 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
03 Apr 2019 ·

Hope it passes soon

Jeff M
04 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
04 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
04 Apr 2019 ·

Hope you are feeling better by now, Alicia. xx

Alicia B
04 Apr 2019 ·

Thank you, lovely pandas !=

I | FE4RR ]
05 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
01 Apr 2019 ·
A little while ago I've decided to only drink alcohol on social occasions. And to drink less of it when I do. I've been sticking to the plan and feeling pretty good. And still I notice talk of how
Alicia B
01 Apr 2019 ·

bad it is for this and that, and how much time it takes for the body to recover etc. terribly irritating. Why? I mean, it's all true. Nobody's forcing me to do anything, it's just information that Inga's found because SHE drank too much last Saturday

Alicia B
01 Apr 2019 ·

It only makes sense as an old defence mechanism from when I did not ever intend to limit my drinking. Defence mechanisms tend to misfire a lot, don't they? These bastards even turn into personality disorders sometimes. Well. I'm hoping that now I've

Alicia B
01 Apr 2019 ·

thought about it and wrote about it I won't feel irritated anymore. It usually helps.

Tony I
01 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
02 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
02 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
02 Apr 2019 ·

Keep going. It gets easier.

Manda P
02 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
02 Apr 2019 ·

Well done, Alicia! Keep it up. You're doing great! 💖

Albertine M
03 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

I | FE4RR ]
05 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
31 Mar 2019 ·
A great day in Dresden yesterday. It's a nice city, I really like the atmosphere there. Probably because it's Eastern Germany and they've got Russian vibes sort of. Hung out with new people, feeling
Alicia B
31 Mar 2019 ·

very confident and sociable and relaxed with fellow human beings. I'm no just back to normal in that regard. I'm at an all time high for ease of human interaction. I'm happy about that. Been wasting way too much energy on social anxiety all my life.

Alicia B
31 Mar 2019 ·

It's hard to say what's changed me this much. I'm sure feeling better about myself plays a big role. It's made me nicer and more patient with everyone, not just me.

Robert H
31 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
31 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
31 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
01 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
01 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
01 Apr 2019 ·

Happy to see the rebound!

Alicia B
01 Apr 2019 ·

Thank you, Jeff :)

Alicia B
01 Apr 2019 ·

Very kind of you to notice :)

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
28 Mar 2019 ·
Backdated. Lots to do tomorrow.
Lydia R
29 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
29 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
29 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
29 Mar 2019 ·

I just heard a horses again. Ah it's walking past my window.

John T
29 Mar 2019 ·

Horse*

John T
29 Mar 2019 ·

A bus had to drive past incredibly slowly.

Albertine M
30 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
31 Mar 2019 ·

Horsieeeeees!

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
28 Mar 2019 ·
Started journaling during my depressive episodes again (yesterday). I feel a little better already, a little bit more self-aware.
Jeff M
28 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
28 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
28 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
28 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Ilisidi C
28 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
28 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Ada E
29 Mar 2019 · NEW

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
4 Alicia B
26 Mar 2019 ·
Ran. Cleaned, cooked, painted (a little), watched an episode with Inga (as always). Same old negative thoughts at the back of my mind. I suddenly remembered when they started. I mean, I've always been
Alicia B
26 Mar 2019 ·

prone to bouts of intense sadness, but it used to be about just one thing at a time, and that thing was either about the present or something in the past. It's only in France that it turned into an all-encompassing thing. Seeing life as a series of

Alicia B
26 Mar 2019 ·

losses and failures with the addition of the gripping fear that it's only going to get worse. That it's all downhill from here. That's what's made me ***al. I don't think it's a coincidence that it happened when I was in a bad relationship. Looks

Alicia B
26 Mar 2019 ·

like it was more dangerous for me than I knew. I'm still trying to get out of that hole. I'm doing my best. It's just so damn hard to lift The French Curse.

Albertine M
26 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
27 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
27 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
27 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
25 Mar 2019 ·
German lesson today. Some chores. A little exercise. I bought a nice notebook in a Swedish eco friendly shop in town. I haven't journaled since I ran out of pages in the previous notebook. I think it
Alicia B
25 Mar 2019 ·

was helping, so I'm going to start again. Especially since I don't have a therapist… I need to pour my stupid thoughts in some direction. Also, the shop had small black canvases, I just couldn't help myself. I need to order some paint, too.

Albertine M
25 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
26 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
26 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
26 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
24 Mar 2019 ·
Today is one of those times when I need to influence my mood. I'm not sad like yesterday anymore, but I can easily get into a negative pattern right now and stay in it for a long time.
Alicia B
24 Mar 2019 ·

I need to do something nice. I don't know what yet.

Bipolar Bear .
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Robert H
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jen B
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
25 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
25 Mar 2019 ·

I hope you found something nice!

Alicia B
25 Mar 2019 ·

Thank you, Jeff :)) I painted some, and that always puts me in a good mood.

Once logged in you can be part of the community
2 Alicia B
23 Mar 2019 ·
Here we go, I'm heavily triggered and spiralling tonight. I can't bring myself to show it to anyone around me. It's too close to my heart, the stuff I'm thinking, it's mine and mine alone. It always
Alicia B
23 Mar 2019 ·

has been. Is it the right way to go about it? Probably not. I probably need to talk about this more than I need to talk about anything. I just can't. I've had the desire to write about it, and I have a little bit. I haven't written about anything in

Alicia B
23 Mar 2019 ·

a while. Now I'm alone and it's just going to be tears and snot for a while. I will feel better in the morning, but this problem, it won't go away on it's own. It's a closure thing. I know I need to go to Moscow and talk to a person. Probably.

Alicia B
23 Mar 2019 ·

I'm not sure closure it attainable, but I do feel I need to try. I don't think Inga would understand the need though. Or would she? She might. I'm such a coward. I've been a coward in so many ways throughout this whole story. I'm so sorry.

Alicia B
23 Mar 2019 ·

I can't remember the last time I'd felt so bad about myself. More and more reasons to be miserable pile up, of course. I think I'm just going to take the double of seroquel right now. Good thing I've got it.

John T
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Keeping Track A
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Keeping Track A
24 Mar 2019 ·

Sounds tough. I think you should go to Moscow,to talk to the person and try and find closure. And also maybe speak about this to a therapist?! If it keeps coming up, you definitely need to resolve your feelings over it.

Alicia B
24 Mar 2019 ·

You are right KToA, I need to talk about it. But I don't have a therapist right now. I live in Germany now, and I can't do therapy in German yet, and there are not many therapists around who agree to work in English.

Lydia R
24 Mar 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Keeping Track A
24 Mar 2019 ·

Ah OK I see. Online therapy? Or at least try journalling. I find it very helpful for processing my emotions. xx

Once logged in you can be part of the community