6.4 avg
  438 days
  2846 hugs
  91 followers
6 Alicia B
1d ·
Ran for 30 min straight, then 30 more after a little break (had to go to a pharmacy). Progress is fast in the beginning. Last week I couldn't even keep running for 15 minutes. It's not a sport where I
Alicia B
1d ·

shine, I know :) But that's fine, I just need to move more on the reg so I feel better both psychologically and physically. What else? Inga's bought a car today. It's a Renault Twingo, the newer version. I know, living in Germany and buying a French

Alicia B
1d ·

car, WTF? I dunno, it just happened. It's cute, it's relatively new, it doesn't scream in the 1st gear. 1.2 liter engine. So there we are, two happy chicks in a Twingo. It was my ex's first car, the older version. I tried driving it back then, it

Alicia B
1d ·

kept stalling on me. He was such a dick about it. I don't say this to just badmouth him, it's because I need to remember he's a dick so I don't miss him when depressed. Gosh, I'm tired of myself.

Alicia B
1d ·

It's been a good day. Everything was great about it, including the picture I'd cut on my thigh recently. I like it a lot. I was being artistic about it. I know it's messed up, but this is where I am at the moment. I get the addiction to cutting now.

Alicia B
1d ·

What else? I'm a mess. And also I'm doing good in many ways. I'm studying, looking for a job, feeling positive and strong, and hopeful, and ready to do things that are hard, and trying to be healthy, and trying to be emotionally avalable.

Alicia B
1d ·

I'm Bipolar, that's what I am. Both ends of the spectrum, often at the same time. I've got a love-hate relationship with myself. Good thing I'm nicer to others now, eh? Whining done now, thank you for reading, friends. Love you, MP. I can't talk to

Alicia B
1d ·

anyone this way.

Jeff M
1d ·

Way to go on the run! That's great strides! :) Also, happy to see you happy and feeling positive about things! You're a strong panda for sure!

Jeff M
1d ·

*Hugs*

John T
11h ·

*Hugs*

John T
11h ·

How quickly you've got good at running is actually a bit infuriating! 😁

Cindy M
7h ·

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5 Alicia B
2d ·
I've missed quite a bit of German with all the travels and subsequent depression, but guess who's been answering all questions like the teacher's pet today? I like my brain. It's not exceptional but
Alicia B
2d ·

it sure makes my life easier. Self-harm becoming more of a fascination, though. I wonder why. Trying to get an appointment with a therapist. I need to talk about stuff.

Cindy M
2d ·

*Hugs*

Tristan G
2d ·

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Kym S
2d ·

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Keeping Track A
2d ·

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Jenny D
2d ·

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Jeff M
2d ·

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John T
11h ·

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5 Alicia B
4d ·
I feel like I need to confess. I look too good on here. At some point either Seroquel's stopped helping with depression, or the novelty of freedom from abuse has worn off, and I was back to my old
Alicia B
4d ·

crap. More so than before, because I've started to let myself feel what I'm really feeling, and oh boy, does that sting sometimes. I do remember now why I had my emotions turned off at some point. I don't want to try that again, though. I feel fine

Alicia B
4d ·

during the day, especially when I move and do stuff, but at night I get all sorts of stupid ideas. Like feeling guilty about my abusive ex. Or seeing the guy I'd strung along for, like, over 10 years? I've got a lot to feel guilty about. I've been

Alicia B
4d ·

really ***ty in the past. For now, the only thing I have the strength to do is hold on and not do anything I would have done in the past. I feel depleted, sad, underappreciated, boring, ugly, you name it. I probably do have narcissistic traits, and

Alicia B
4d ·

I do like me some supply. Some admiration, some desire. I don't want to be that person who only feels alive when they are admired. I'm trying to be the real me instead. It's ***ing hard! I'm fine during the day, like I said. But at night I go crazy.

Alicia B
4d ·

I even want to cut, which is something I haven't done since I was, I dunno, 18? I find myself thinking of a spot on my body where no-one would see it, but there is no such spot, because I'm lucky, I have sex sometimes, and we even keep the lights on.

Alicia B
4d ·

Anyway, I feel lost. I'm so happy I've got you guys. I'm so happy I've got MP. I'm also getting PHAT from Seruquel, I need to talk to my psychiatrist, but that's not till January. I've lowered the dose back myself. I'm vaping legal CBD these two last

Alicia B
4d ·

nights. It's really mild, nothing like the real thing, but I feel relaxed and, well, kinder to people. As long as I don't let myself spiral out when I'm alone. It's hard being crazy sometimes, eh? To whomever has read all of this: love ya!

Kumar N
4d · NEW

*Hugs*

Penelope P
4d ·

You seem to be a very strong and rational person Alicia. We all have crazy times and just have to ride them through I think. There is no right or wrong or normal. You just keep being you.

Penelope P
4d ·

*Hugs*

me M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
4d ·

Thank you, Pen <3

Cindy M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
4d ·

A brave thing to write, but then you are brave and open. Can't put it better than Pen: you just keep being you. That's who we all love xx

Jeff M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Robert H
4d ·

*Hugs*

sonny S
3d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
2d ·

Thank you, Cindy <3

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7 Alicia B
5d ·
Followed John's instructions in running again, had more fun than expected :) Feeling good these last days. Hope you all do, too, pandas, I love you guys.
Cindy M
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

Look at all that green! Yay, Alicia!! πŸ’š

Jeff M
4d ·

*Hugs*

sonny S
3d ·

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6 Alicia B
7d ·
Went for a feeble run today. It's hard to start again, but it was OK. I didn't push myself like I used to when manic about exercise. OK day overall. A bit sad about my sister being so different.
Hayley K
7d · NEW

*Hugs*

Xavier M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
7d ·

Good for you for doing a run. Hard to start again, especially when you have expectations for what a good run should be, but just enjoy it! Glad you had an ok day!

Cindy M
6d ·

*Hugs*

Kym S
6d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
5d ·

John's helped me a lot with setting new goals :)

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

That's great to hear, Alicia! Way to go! Glad you've got John helping ya. He's a pretty good guy. 😜

Alicia B
4d ·

Yep, I sure am lucky to meet great people like you guys.

Manda P
1d ·

We're lucky to have you too! πŸ’–

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6 Alicia B
06 Nov 2018 ·
Watched the new movie, Bohemian Rhapsody. I was a huge Queen fan when I was a kid. It's a good film; well directed and well acted, and the soundtrack is, well, genius :)
Tasha S
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
06 Nov 2018 ·

I want to see it!

Jenny D
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Xavier M
07 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

me M
07 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
7d ·

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6 Alicia B
05 Nov 2018 ·
I think I'm getting out of the depressive phase finally. I hope so. Had fun listening to music while enjoying a brisk walk. That's something. Going back home tomorrow, I'm ready for that.
Elsa S
05 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Keeping Track A
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jenny D
06 Nov 2018 ·

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Tasha S
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Nov 2018 ·

That's good to see! Really positive too to be able to recognize the improvement and take comfort in that!

me M
06 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
7d ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
04 Nov 2018 ·
Mom's still in her phase, accusing me and then saying 'oh no, it was not an accusation, I was just sad and talked about being sad'. I know the game too well, and I'm not letting it get to me anymore.
Alicia B
04 Nov 2018 ·

Being depressed sucks, we've been to a skating rink and I've almost learned to go backwards, but I feel no satisfaction. Got a terrible migraine, took a pill and had a nap, but sleepy ever since. Can't wait to get into bed.

me M
05 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
7d ·

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6 Alicia B
02 Nov 2018 ·
At sis's. Beautiful ride through autumn Germany to get here. Sunset, too, was amazing, everyone was taking pictures. Feeling OK for the most part.
John T
02 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jenny D
02 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Xavier M
03 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

me M
04 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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4 Alicia B
01 Nov 2018 ·
Something is very wrong. With my meds perhaps. Going to visit my sister tomorrow, will see how I feel when I'm in a different environment. Right now I feel *** every night, with thoughts of self-harm
Alicia B
01 Nov 2018 ·

Sometimes they go beyond thoughts. This feels like one of the ultimate lows. I also hate the way I look right now, and that's very hard because I've gotten used to place so much importance on my looks. This is my main concern right now.

Alicia B
01 Nov 2018 ·

Once I get back home I'll see a specialist about that.

Bipolar Bear .
01 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

ABear B
01 Nov 2018 · NEW

*Hugs*

Dylan B
01 Nov 2018 · NEW

*Hugs*

Linda H
02 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
02 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
02 Nov 2018 ·

Sorry, Alicia. I hope you figure out how to deal with this and have support to get through this low! *Big hugs*

Alicia B
02 Nov 2018 ·

Thank you, Jeff, and everyone for the hugs.

Cindy M
02 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
02 Nov 2018 ·

So sorry to hear this, Alicia - sending love and strength and keeping you in my thoughts

Alicia B
03 Nov 2018 ·

Thank you, Cindy, you are so sweet, love ya :)

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6 Alicia B
31 Oct 2018 ·
Tired from hanging out with people, glad everyone's gone and I can have a quiet night. Feeling relaxed and sleepy.
P K
31 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
31 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
31 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Maite P
01 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
01 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
01 Nov 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
31 Oct 2018 ·
Inga's brother and his new wife visiting today, and we've all gone to the quiz together. Had a lot of fun and came 5th out of 25 teams. Not bad. I'm happy to have them here and go out and drink with
Alicia B
31 Oct 2018 ·

them and be silly. I've missed this thoughtless kind of fun (even though it's been intellectually challenging, no-one's been tense or angry with anyone else because of their mental problems tonight). Great people, a great day, one more half-day to

Alicia B
31 Oct 2018 ·

look forward to tomorrow. If only I can fall asleep and wake up at a decent time. Unlikely! Still feeling emotional and weird in general. But I've painted a fun thingy yesterday, it could go on a t-shirt :)

Xavier M
31 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
31 Oct 2018 ·

I'd buy that t shirt!

John T
31 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
31 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
31 Oct 2018 ·

Wait till you see it :)

Cindy M
31 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
29 Oct 2018 ·
Yesterday was fine, but today's not good. I'll give it a 5 overall. What if I'm unable to be happy? What if all the problems I've had with other people (like my ex husband), were actually problems I
Alicia B
29 Oct 2018 ·

was having with myself? What if he was fine, and everyone was fine, what f it's all me? I really do need that therapist stat.

nixiblu .
29 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Keeping Track A
30 Oct 2018 ·

It's not just you. Maybe there were things you could have done differently etc. but you must be k8nd t you

Keeping Track A
30 Oct 2018 ·

to yourself. Otherwise you will fall deeper into depression. I recommend calling helplines if you feel very low (or even very anxious) before you get an appintment with a therapist. Usually, from my experience, therapy is very helpful xxx

Metron A
30 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
30 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
30 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
30 Oct 2018 ·

Maybe it's just redefining what 'happy' means. I think you knew that you were better off without your ex. And just because now you're not where you want to be doesn't mean you're not better off! *Big hugs*

Manda P
30 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
30 Oct 2018 ·

Everything that they said. Therapy helps me so much. Sure, I've been slogging through it for over 11 years now & don't have much to show for it, but I'm going to keep on keepin on! You should do the same! πŸ’–

Cindy M
30 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
31 Oct 2018 ·

Thank you so much, guys. It means a lot having some validation for these feelings that I can't even share with anyone IRL. Thank you. You are the best, Keeping Track, Jeff and Manda.

Keeping Track A
02 Nov 2018 ·

ah that's wonderful! You're welcome Alicia! :D xxx

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5 Alicia B
27 Oct 2018 ·
Feeling froggier today. Painted a pic. Did some chores. I'd like to go for a walk in the forest tomorrow, so I can really enjoy autumn for a couple hours. Psychiatrist said I might profit from some
Alicia B
27 Oct 2018 ·

therapy. It doesn't help Bipolar Disorder but I might have a traumatic depression going on since my time in France. That would require therapy to heal. I've got a lot of crap going through my mind. I'd love to talk to someone about it. I never feel

Alicia B
27 Oct 2018 ·

like I have the right to do so with my friends. I probably really need a therapist for that.

Elsa S
27 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

me M
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Margot L
29 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Constance M
29 Oct 2018 · NEW

*Hugs*

Constance M
29 Oct 2018 · NEW

Good luck

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5 Alicia B
26 Oct 2018 ·
German and psychiatrist today. Enjoyed being out in nature. Music in the evening. Tired, calmer. TGIF.
Manda P
27 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
27 Oct 2018 ·

Hope you have a great weekend, Alicia. πŸ’–

Jeff M
27 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
27 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
27 Oct 2018 ·

Thank you, dear

Lydia R
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
26 Oct 2018 ·
Yesterday I had German class and dance class, both went OK, nothing inspirational due to my mood though. I like the melancholy autumn weather. It's depressing for Inga, but extra beautiful this year.
nixiblu .
26 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Robert H
26 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
26 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
26 Oct 2018 ·

Autumn is my favourite season, though I understand why some people feel as Inga does. Your classes will be inspirational again - you're one of the most inspirational people I know!

John T
26 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
26 Oct 2018 ·

Thank you, Cindy😚

Manda P
27 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
27 Oct 2018 ·

I have a love/hate relationship with the season. It's beautiful & I love the smell & feel of the air. Plus, I like all Halloween related anything! The only thing that gets me is the days that are too cold & just the fact of the evil next season.

Manda P
27 Oct 2018 ·

Cindy is right about you being inspirational. You are a HUGE inspiration to me! πŸ’–πŸ’šπŸ’–

John T
27 Oct 2018 ·

Autumn is my favourite forever and ever and ever (except it feels more like winter today!).

Alicia B
27 Oct 2018 ·

Aww, thank you, girls! You make me feel special. You are the best and I love you.

Alicia B
27 Oct 2018 ·

John, mine, too. The melancholy feels so right.

Lydia R
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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4 Alicia B
24 Oct 2018 ·
What I do when I feel *** but have free time is watch stand-up. British, mostly. Or Iliza Schlezinger, she's American but she's fantastic. Hannah Gabsby is wonderful, funny but then sad.
Alicia B
24 Oct 2018 ·

I've also greatly enjoyed James Acaster's Repertoire. Right now I'm watching Daniel Sloss, also several episodes instead of just one show, which is perfect for a depressed individual :) They are all available on Netflix (at least here in Germany).

Alicia B
24 Oct 2018 ·

Playing the guitar is also nice when not in the mood for anything. Singing takes energy, that's for good days, but some quiet guitar music is good. I've done that yesterday, want to continue today as well.

Alicia B
24 Oct 2018 ·

Oh, I'm going to a concert tonight as well. Folk Indy weird Russian something. Feeling almost up to it.

Cindy M
24 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
24 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
24 Oct 2018 ·

Folk Indy Weird Russian Something is a great band name! I looked them up on Google but couldn't find them. I hope you enjoy the show! I'll have to look up some of those comedians on netflix!

John T
24 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
24 Oct 2018 ·

Enjoy the concert. Try Stewart Lee. Stick with this past the jokes mentioning people you might not know about... https://youtu.be/Ek9_GQa1lgc

Alicia B
25 Oct 2018 ·

LOL Jeff, no, they are called Iva Nova, that was just my attempt at describing their style. I'm not good at that, I don't know music.

Alicia B
25 Oct 2018 ·

John, you're right, I don't know anyone in there, but the beautiful metaphor at the end was worth it xD

Jeff M
25 Oct 2018 ·

I was teasing, Alicia. :) If you liked them, you might check out DeVotChKa (kinda indie folky gypsy).

Alicia B
27 Oct 2018 ·

Thank you, I'll check them out :) I'm not a fan of Ive Nova though, just went to the concert to keep my friends company.

Lydia R
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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1 Alicia B
23 Oct 2018 ·
Since I've missed the worst days, will give myself a 2 for those. A lot of old aggression's been coming up for me. I guess that can happen when you stop stuffing your feelings down. I remember now why
Alicia B
23 Oct 2018 ·

I started doing that in the first place. Working now on accepting my dark side. An interesting experience when mood is not completely in the gutter.

Penelope P
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Ade W
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
23 Oct 2018 ·

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me M
23 Oct 2018 ·

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Cindy M
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Linda H
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
24 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
24 Oct 2018 ·

Oh, no. You know I know exactly what you are feeling, lady. I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it go away. *big big gigantic squeeze your guts out hugs* πŸ’–πŸ’šπŸ’œπŸ’•β€οΈπŸ’™πŸ’—πŸ’ž xx

Alicia B
24 Oct 2018 ·

Thank you, Manda. It helps so much to read 'I know how you're feeling'.

Lydia R
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
23 Oct 2018 ·
Getting out of my funk little by little. I drink way too much when depressed, gotta stop now. It makes things worse probably. Finished a little painting today. Not a fan of it, but that's OK.
Ade W
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

me M
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Linda H
23 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
24 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
24 Oct 2018 ·

The drinking does NOT help. I've finally (finally finally) realized that. Oh, god, thank god. The thought of drinking almost makes me feel sick to stomach. I have an unopened box of tonic water for G&Ts that I don't know what to do with. I hope you..

Manda P
24 Oct 2018 ·

...can find the strength to stop, Alicia. Thinking of you & sending lots of strengthening & comforting hugs. xx

Alicia B
24 Oct 2018 ·

Thank you for sharing this, Manda. I'll try and follow your example.

Lydia R
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
20 Oct 2018 ·
Envy. A bad thing. Comes from entitlement. Entitlement could come from a longing for something. A longing so intense that the thought of it never being satisfied feels like death. A defence against
Alicia B
20 Oct 2018 ·

that could look like a belief you deserve something just by virtue of being you. It will happen sooner or later. You will get it, because you deserve it. And in the meantime you just resent those who've already got it. Nasty, nasty feeling.

Alicia B
20 Oct 2018 ·

I get cool dreams and ideas when I'm depressed, but I can't wait for this one to be over. I'm tired of feeling tired, and of having to compensate for lost time the moment I feel better. Ugh.

John T
20 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
20 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
21 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
28 Oct 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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