6.2 avg
  625 days
  3971 hugs
  110 followers
3 Alicia B
6h ·
It's epiphany day, guys. I got a not so passive-aggressive message from mum which she'd sent because she's feeling lonely in Berlin. The details don't matter. I've been able to partially control my
Alicia B
6h ·

emotional flashbacks lately, so I've been able to remember things without disassociating. And remembering our conversations I've realised that my mother hates it when I'm happy. She always sounds irritated when I'm joking and laughing on the phone

Alicia B
6h ·

, she says 'you seem in a good mood, I wish I was!'. It's much better now that I am a grown-up who lives far away. I remember now how mad she would get when I was happy as a child. She is only nice to me when I'm devastated. By her or by life,

Alicia B
6h ·

doesn't matter. I'm not going to give a lengthy description of my childhood here, but I've just realised: it was ***. Going home I felt like I was returning to prison. I hated it. Every time I was happy about meeting a new friend, or learning

Alicia B
6h ·

or trying something, I knew in advance that she would bring me down as soon as she saw a smile on my face. I've never realised it before, but being happy was not allowed in our home, and that's a toxic environment if I've ever seen one.

Alicia B
6h ·

'They are a treacherous envious piece of crap, just give it time'. 'You'll never be able to do this'. 'This is absolutely not you'. 'You don't belong with these people who like you'. 'This person who loves you is dull, bad-mannered, weak, useless,

Alicia B
6h ·

ugly', 'You are NOT A FINISHED HUMAN BEING'; 'YOU DON'T HAVE A PERSONALITY YET'. What. The. ***.

Alicia B
6h ·

I got so angry. I've never let myself be angry at her, only in my dreams where I yell and yell at her though when awake I don't know why. Thanks, subby, I can be a real slowpoke sometimes. I hate my mother. She is a vicious ***. I know she is just a

Alicia B
6h ·

human being, she is weak, she is narcissistic, she's had a tough life, she's probably been living in cascading emotional flashbacks herself. I know. I know her mother. She was a cold and manipulative one, too. But. Why the *** am I supposed to be

Alicia B
6h ·

paying for it? I felt so angry, and then I felt so sad for the child I was. The things she had to live with. The things she had to think were normal. It makes so much sense that she's been feeling so lonely all her life. Everything she felt makes

Alicia B
6h ·

sense now. Trust issues, but of course! If a child can't trust their parents, what's left? How are they expected to grow up and have self-confidence, integrity and... love? I come from a line of women incapable of love. I don't know how that child

Alicia B
6h ·

and that teenager I was survived and how I'm still alive, but you know what? I'm glad I am. I've had this time to make the choice NOT to be like my mother. I remember almost becoming her. Life helped me, of course. But I played a part too, and I'm

Alicia B
6h ·

still playing it, I'm still learning to be a real human woman. After I got mad and ranted for an hour and called my mother all the vile words I know, I started feeling sorry for myself, and that's when disassociation hit. I'd almost gone into my

Alicia B
6h ·

Zombie mode, but I did the only exercise I know and brought myself back to write this. The child in me has the right for the compassion she never got when she needed it. She deserves the words of encouragement and understanding. I shouldn't be just

Alicia B
6h ·

going Zombie on her. She deserves better. We all do! *** my mother who once told me she wished she had gotten that abortion. Guess what? Too late for that now, I'm here and I'm going to keep living and keep getting better. *** her. Sorry for this

Alicia B
6h ·

endless rant, Pandas. Be good to yourselves.

Robert H
5h ·

*Hugs*

Robert H
4h ·

That takes a lot of courage to face and moving past your mother's negativity is something to be proud of. :)

John T
4h ·

*Hugs*

John T
4h ·

My childhood was always being told things and ordered to do things. I'm not sure if anyone gets treated like an adult by their parents, even when we grow up. People say 'if I was a parent I'd understand'. But I don't.

John T
3h ·

The past isn't who you are. It isn't 'what made you'. Nor is it where you are now. The past is too vast a place to comprehend in one moment and we will never be able to see the full picture. Feelings can bend the truth. They are temporary.

John T
3h ·

The past is overrated. So I try to use it like the present. In the present I can create things and write and paint. It is not set in stone what is happening around me. The past is the same it is my brain's interpretation which is always changing.

John T
3h ·

I don't want to project my diagnosis or experience on to you and say 'this is real' it's not for me to decide, but I can tell you memories are not permanent, they emotions or responses from the past that feel real and can be tough to deal with.

John T
3h ·

Tomorrow is a new day. You might get these memories again or maybe not for a while. No one knows. Try not to judge the whole calendar on the picture for one month. There is a cow that can give you a weird look. The full story is bigger than that.

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9 Alicia B
1d ·
Having flashbacks is like having a time-machine. Working on your flashbacks, it would seem, grants one an ability to be both in the past and the present simultaneously. There are moments these days
Alicia B
1d ·

when I am in Moscow, hanging out with my cousin and feeling so young and so lonely, and I'm also in the south of France feeling beyond excited and scared at the same time, and I'm in Germany feeling like I've found and faced a big part of me, and

Alicia B
1d ·

that's making me both very sad and very hopeful at the same time, and I'm also somewhere else. Somewhere I've never been, but maybe in the future. Feeling like I've found something I really wanted? Who knows. This 9 is not hypomanic, I'm just feeling

Alicia B
1d ·

happy like a fast-growing plant.

Robert H
1d ·

*Hugs*

Tiffany C
1d ·

*Hugs*

me M
22h ·

*Hugs*

me M
22h ·

Beautiful words

me M
22h ·

I've been through something similar in the last day

Tayla O
17h ·

*Hugs*

K T
12h ·

I can't relate to this I'm afraid. It sounds confusing. Is it overwhelming? What have I notied from your posts is that you are very self-aware which is great. You seem to be able to not let your PTSD take control of your life completely. You are

K T
12h ·

coping and managing it, finding strategies to use. You should be proud of yourself. Glad you are 9 out of 10 right now. :D

nixiblu .
12h ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
6h ·

KT, it's not overwhelming at all, it's quite nice and quiet. Flashbacks were (are) overwhelming, and this is... I don't know, maybe this is how healthy people remember things?

Alicia B
6h ·

And thank you for the kind words. I am proud I must say.

John T
4h ·

*Hugs*

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8 Alicia B
3d ·
I got my own painting corner! Cleaned out all the painting stuff, threw out what I didn't need, organised what I do. Did a background for later using Alice's leftover wall paint. Prepared an old
Alicia B
3d ·

canvas that had pencil drawings by Alex on it. Feeling happy and motivated.

Anna D
3d ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
3d ·

Great to hear that :)

Tayla O
3d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
3d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
3d ·

So nice to see how your creative outlet motivates and encourages you!

John T
2d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
1d ·

Thank you , Jeff :)

Alicia B
1d ·

Thank you, Anna :)

K T
12h ·

*Hugs*

K T
12h ·

ooooh sounds awesome! Enjoy!! :D

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8 Alicia B
5d ·
I've helped Alex move out some of his things and buy and assemble some furniture yesterday. His new apartment is nice. I hope life gets better for him. He and Inga are both sad, but that's normal.
Anna D
4d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
4d ·

*Hugs*

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10 Alicia B
7d ·
I'm happy. I've watched a triggering film and I've been in a state of panic for half of it, but I feel I can handle anything right now. <3
nixiblu .
7d ·

*Hugs*

Ian D
7d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

K T
12h ·

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
16 Aug 2019 ·
Good day, today enjoying nature at the market garden, doing chores, just living and doing stuff. I've spoken to my Russian friends on skype last night, that was nice as well. We know less and less
Alicia B
16 Aug 2019 ·

about each other's lives, but it's still easy to tell them things. That's nice.

nixiblu .
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Mellory G
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Robert H
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Tayla O
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
17 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Ian D
7d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

K T
12h ·

*Hugs*

K T
12h ·

That's a sign of true friendship. When you still feel as connected, when your lives' have changed but the essence of who you are hasn't and you can just fall right back into the level of intimacy you had the last time you communicated.

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9 Alicia B
15 Aug 2019 ·
Happy! I got a present that's not only sweet and wonderful in itself, it also feels like absolution for very personal reasons. Like I finally am absolved of what's been weighing on me for 8 years.
Alicia B
15 Aug 2019 ·

It's a whole thing. I've been feeling like I can do anything tonight. I've even won at scrabble :D And set a new record. I feel like a new person. I feel hope. Of course I'm still worried about EVERYTHING and then some. But I feel like... giving

Alicia B
15 Aug 2019 ·

thanks. To the universe. Yeah.

Gabrielle H
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Tayla O
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Tayla O
16 Aug 2019 ·

Lovely to see some green Alicia 😊x

Jeff M
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
16 Aug 2019 ·

Thank you, Tayla, thank you, pandas!

nixiblu .
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Tayla O
16 Aug 2019 ·

No worries!

K T
12h ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
14 Aug 2019 ·
Felling blech today. Not all bad though. Two days off coming for Inga, hoping to do some painting now that I'm not the only one taking care of the apartment. I miss J. Which is silly, β™« oh but anyone
Alicia B
14 Aug 2019 ·

who knows what love is will understand β™« :) I should watch the latest season of The Black Mirror, how chicken can I possibly be??

Tayla O
14 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
15 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
15 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jen B
15 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
16 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
13 Aug 2019 ·
A calm day after being overly excited yesterday. Finally finished a painting that's been annoying me for some time. Keeping an eye on the changing states and talking myself out of the sadder moods.
Tayla O
13 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jen B
13 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
14 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Maffy G
14 Aug 2019 · NEW

*Hugs*

Manda P
15 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
12 Aug 2019 ·
Lovely day talking to my J. Been feeling great ever since. Everyone is sad at home though, I'm trying to be supportive, though I have no idea how that's done... I let people talk and cry and I listen.
Alicia B
12 Aug 2019 ·

And then I tell a funny story. That's what I would want. It seems to be working. My ***ing god, have I never tried to be a good person before? This is terrible! It's like I've been living in a dream for 33 years, and then things started to change,

Me I Guess L
12 Aug 2019 · NEW

*Hugs*

Alicia B
12 Aug 2019 ·

and now I'm just... someone it's worth being? I'm shook. Having thought that, I'm still feeling good. It's a good time to be good. Children, if you are depressed and are hating life, just keep at it, it gets better, I promise.

Alicia B
12 Aug 2019 ·

Getting older is a gift. In a way. In the way that matters.

nixiblu .
12 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
15 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
12 Aug 2019 ·
Nice day yesterday, went to the lake ( for an hour, it got cold after that) and tried swimming for the first time since my knee accident. I can swim! Though I'm not allowed to use the injured leg yet.
Jeff M
12 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
12 Aug 2019 ·

If you swim using only one leg, doesn't that make you go in circles? :)

me M
12 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
12 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
12 Aug 2019 ·

Haha Jeffn apparently it doesn't, because I'm better than a boat!

nixiblu .
12 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
10 Aug 2019 ·
Following advice for PTSD suferers, I've been trying to treat myself in a childlike state as an actual kid. I've been feeling very good today doing that. Letting myself be this way. I don't think it's
Alicia B
10 Aug 2019 ·

very visible, except that my emotions are more obvious. The idea is that PTSD exists on the spectrum with DID. There is fragmentation to some extent, and triggers send us into 'states'. Those states are not actual distinct personalities.

Alicia B
10 Aug 2019 ·

But we behave differently in those states. The trick is to learn to recognise them (give them names and stories if you want to) and accept them, rather than blame yourself for being 'weird'.

Alicia B
10 Aug 2019 ·

This has been eye-opening for me.

Alicia B
10 Aug 2019 ·

I've always felt a wild inconsistency in my relationships, my behaviour, my desires and goals. I've been told I was 'like several different people all in one' many times. I've learnt about family systems and re-parenting myself, it's been incredible!

Alicia B
10 Aug 2019 ·

This is another step, and I feel good about it. I've asked a part of myself for the first time today: 'How do YOU feel about J?' The response was such pure joy and tenderness, I didn't know I was capable of that. Also, I'm painting all of this :)

Shelley H
10 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Melody L
11 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Gabrielle H
11 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
11 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
11 Aug 2019 ·

This sounds great, Alicia! Can't wait to see how it transfers to your paintings.

Tayla O
11 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jen B
11 Aug 2019 ·

*Very* interesting about the link to DID. I have not heard that before. It has occurred to me pretty recently that I can be very similar to what you're describing here and reading this seems timely. ❀️

Alicia B
11 Aug 2019 ·

Jen, I'm very glad it's potentially helpful. I'm new to it as well. From what I understand it's a spectrum of trauma-based responses.

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3 Alicia B
09 Aug 2019 ·
Tough tough day. Regressed to a childlike state (PTSD thing) and it's really hard to handle, because no words help, really. Becoming more and more aware though. No news on our little Alice.
Tayla O
09 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Silas W
09 Aug 2019 · NEW

*Hugs*

John T
10 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
10 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
11 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
08 Aug 2019 ·
Waiting for some important news tomorrow. Inga's daughter Alice has got a lump in her breast, and it doesn't look good. I had a scare myself a month ago, but it was an obviously not cancer thing.
Alicia B
08 Aug 2019 ·

Alice has got it worse... she needs tests to know if it's dangerous or not. I remember the cold feeling I had when I found my lump. Alice is doing good on the outside, but who knows what she's feeling. I've got a lvl 80 poker face myself, but it

Alicia B
08 Aug 2019 ·

doesn't mean I feel nothing, on the contrary, I'm quite the drama queen on the inside. When I thought I might have cancer I had this silly idea, that it would let me do whatever I want before I die. What I would have asked for would be to visit

Alicia B
08 Aug 2019 ·

someone who's become very important to me. I feel like if I keep saying nothing about it Moodpanda will become useless to me. So yeah. The hearts and happy stuff I put on here is because I'm in love. Not the best time for it, or the best situation,

Alicia B
08 Aug 2019 ·

but when was it ever?

sonny S
08 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Shelley H
08 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
08 Aug 2019 ·

That's fantastic. I did wonder, maybe because I'm in love myself and am super sensitive to that right now. You can visit anyway, I hope?

John T
09 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
09 Aug 2019 ·

Albertine, I hope so :) I'm happy for you :)

Jeff M
09 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
09 Aug 2019 ·

Aw, this is nice and sad to see. Nice that you feel that excitement and happiness. Sad about Inga's daughter. Hope things turn out for the best!

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6 Alicia B
07 Aug 2019 ·
Walked in the rain, listened to some podcasts and some music, baked for the first time in a looooong while. Feeling good. <3
Tayla O
07 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Sif M
07 Aug 2019 ·

☺️

Katie S
08 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Katie S
08 Aug 2019 ·

Walking in rain can be so lovely sometimes, glad you're doing well Alicia xxx

Jeff M
08 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
08 Aug 2019 ·

thank you so much, Katie!

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6 Alicia B
06 Aug 2019 ·
Lightning and rain outside. Feeling very peaceful. It's been a nice day. πŸ’œ
me M
07 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
07 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
05 Aug 2019 ·
The day started off really bad with a dream that made me feel like my subconscious was trolling me. It was hard to stop thinking about it and thinking about the person in it. It was hard to stop
Alicia B
05 Aug 2019 ·

blaming myself for thinking and thinking about it, and being unable to get out of bed. I did though, eventually. I talked to my favourite one, and then I told myself to go for a walk. I can't say I felt happy right away, but eventually I did.

Alicia B
05 Aug 2019 ·

I don't need to punish myself for every little thought or dream. It's OK to be kind to myself. That's what I would have wanted for the people I love. Right?

J H
06 Aug 2019 · NEW

Absolutely, don't give it another second of your day

Jeff M
06 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Aug 2019 ·

Our dreams are just our subconscious way of dealing with thoughts. Same way you have to acknowledge thoughts and let them go, do the same with dreams. Glad you pushed on!

Tayla O
06 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·
Nice day out at the finale of the Pride Week here in Nuremberg. Impressed some people with the stuff I ordered for Inga and myself, danced a little, had a chill and fun time, heard a great new band
Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

(the frontwoman is SO charismatic and KEWL), it was nice being out and seeing all the weird and wonderful people. Noticed so many self-harm scars on people. I don't know if it's because I pay more attention now or because they hide me scars less, or

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

both. I just wish I could help. They are so young and fragile. I did enjoy myself though.

Manda P
04 Aug 2019 ·

So glad to hear you had such a good time! It sounds lovely! You bring such love into the world! πŸ’ž

Katie S
04 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Robert H
04 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Josie M
05 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
05 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
05 Aug 2019 ·

Thank you, Manda <3

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5 Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·
Experimenting with music lately. I didn't quite realize what an effect it had on me till now. Upbeat and positive music can get me out of a flashback when combined with a walk in nature. Sad music
Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

can make me feel very low. I remember when I was a kid in music school, and we had this concert, and I really liked the piece I'd been learning, and I had learned it really well by heart (I was always bad at playing piano without sheet music in front

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

of me), so I was feeling confident that day. Well, when I say 'confident'... my hands were trembling and they were white and covered with red blotches (does anyone else get that?), but only until I sat down and started playing. I really got into the

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

music, and the world sort of fell away... That was the only time in my life I got heartfelt applause. I still don't know if it was because I played well, or because I started crying in the process. I was maybe 10 or 11. I would often cry because of

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

music. It was just too much. Many things were too much. It makes sense I've gone cray eventually. I've cried at 'Swan Lake' last time we went. It doesn't mean I want to listen to music less. I just know to be careful now, and not confuse music

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

feelings with my other feelings.

Manda P
04 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
04 Aug 2019 ·

Music has a big effect on me too. Sometimes it's so hard to hear certain songs. You are so talented to be gifted on piano & guitar!

Me I Guess L
04 Aug 2019 · NEW

*Hugs*

Me I Guess L
04 Aug 2019 · NEW

i listen to twenty one pilots a lot, they help me so much. Its a 2 man band, a drummer and a singer, the drummer struggles with anxiety and the singer has struggled with self harm and possibly ***e and is fighting through depression still. their

Me I Guess L
04 Aug 2019 · NEW

is about fighting through the pain, and telling you to keep going, to keep living. i love their music because i can relate to it and it's my idols telling me to keep living, so please stay alive ||-// (check them out if you get a chance)

Robert H
04 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Metron A
04 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Metron A
04 Aug 2019 ·

Music has a strong effect on me too. I'm glad you are learning how to make it work for you! I get the splochy hands too sometimes, hasn't happened in a couple years, but it looks funny.

Manda P
04 Aug 2019 ·

I love twenty one pilots too!

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

Me I Guess L, I only know their song 'Heathens', and I love it. Tried to listen to a full album but didn't get into it the first time, I should give it another try!

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

Ha, Metron, it's good to know :)

Katie S
04 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Katie S
04 Aug 2019 ·

It's crazy the effect music can have, good to know what to avoid when you might be feeling tender though

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5 Alicia B
02 Aug 2019 ·
This PTSD related self-therapy I'm trying to do is hard work! I'm only now realizing how frequent and powerful my flashbacks are and how long some of them last. For days, man! Knowledge is power tho.
Alicia B
02 Aug 2019 ·

Trying to talk back to my inner goblin of a critic, and use movement, music and housework to pull myself up by the ears

Alicia B
02 Aug 2019 ·

Bootstraps? Is that the expression? Anyway, I'm moderately successful

Alicia B
02 Aug 2019 ·

This should have been a 4 and last night should have been a 3.

Michael Yosia T
02 Aug 2019 · NEW

*Hugs*

Shelley H
02 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Ian D
02 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Tayla O
03 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jen B
03 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 Aug 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 Aug 2019 ·

I'm going to pull myself up by the ears, too! It's time. We can do this, love! πŸ₯°

Alicia B
04 Aug 2019 ·

Yes, we can! Go team Panda!

Manda P
04 Aug 2019 ·

🐼🐼🐼

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