emotional flashbacks lately, so I've been able to remember things without disassociating. And remembering our conversations I've realised that my mother hates it when I'm happy. She always sounds irritated when I'm joking and laughing on the phone
, she says 'you seem in a good mood, I wish I was!'. It's much better now that I am a grown-up who lives far away. I remember now how mad she would get when I was happy as a child. She is only nice to me when I'm devastated. By her or by life,
doesn't matter. I'm not going to give a lengthy description of my childhood here, but I've just realised: it was ***. Going home I felt like I was returning to prison. I hated it. Every time I was happy about meeting a new friend, or learning
or trying something, I knew in advance that she would bring me down as soon as she saw a smile on my face. I've never realised it before, but being happy was not allowed in our home, and that's a toxic environment if I've ever seen one.
'They are a treacherous envious piece of crap, just give it time'. 'You'll never be able to do this'. 'This is absolutely not you'. 'You don't belong with these people who like you'. 'This person who loves you is dull, bad-mannered, weak, useless,
ugly', 'You are NOT A FINISHED HUMAN BEING'; 'YOU DON'T HAVE A PERSONALITY YET'. What. The. ***.
I got so angry. I've never let myself be angry at her, only in my dreams where I yell and yell at her though when awake I don't know why. Thanks, subby, I can be a real slowpoke sometimes. I hate my mother. She is a vicious ***. I know she is just a
human being, she is weak, she is narcissistic, she's had a tough life, she's probably been living in cascading emotional flashbacks herself. I know. I know her mother. She was a cold and manipulative one, too. But. Why the *** am I supposed to be
paying for it? I felt so angry, and then I felt so sad for the child I was. The things she had to live with. The things she had to think were normal. It makes so much sense that she's been feeling so lonely all her life. Everything she felt makes
sense now. Trust issues, but of course! If a child can't trust their parents, what's left? How are they expected to grow up and have self-confidence, integrity and... love? I come from a line of women incapable of love. I don't know how that child
and that teenager I was survived and how I'm still alive, but you know what? I'm glad I am. I've had this time to make the choice NOT to be like my mother. I remember almost becoming her. Life helped me, of course. But I played a part too, and I'm
still playing it, I'm still learning to be a real human woman. After I got mad and ranted for an hour and called my mother all the vile words I know, I started feeling sorry for myself, and that's when disassociation hit. I'd almost gone into my
Zombie mode, but I did the only exercise I know and brought myself back to write this. The child in me has the right for the compassion she never got when she needed it. She deserves the words of encouragement and understanding. I shouldn't be just
going Zombie on her. She deserves better. We all do! *** my mother who once told me she wished she had gotten that abortion. Guess what? Too late for that now, I'm here and I'm going to keep living and keep getting better. *** her. Sorry for this
endless rant, Pandas. Be good to yourselves.
That takes a lot of courage to face and moving past your mother's negativity is something to be proud of. :)
My childhood was always being told things and ordered to do things. I'm not sure if anyone gets treated like an adult by their parents, even when we grow up. People say 'if I was a parent I'd understand'. But I don't.
The past isn't who you are. It isn't 'what made you'. Nor is it where you are now. The past is too vast a place to comprehend in one moment and we will never be able to see the full picture. Feelings can bend the truth. They are temporary.
The past is overrated. So I try to use it like the present. In the present I can create things and write and paint. It is not set in stone what is happening around me. The past is the same it is my brain's interpretation which is always changing.
I don't want to project my diagnosis or experience on to you and say 'this is real' it's not for me to decide, but I can tell you memories are not permanent, they emotions or responses from the past that feel real and can be tough to deal with.
Tomorrow is a new day. You might get these memories again or maybe not for a while. No one knows. Try not to judge the whole calendar on the picture for one month. There is a cow that can give you a weird look. The full story is bigger than that.
when I am in Moscow, hanging out with my cousin and feeling so young and so lonely, and I'm also in the south of France feeling beyond excited and scared at the same time, and I'm in Germany feeling like I've found and faced a big part of me, and
that's making me both very sad and very hopeful at the same time, and I'm also somewhere else. Somewhere I've never been, but maybe in the future. Feeling like I've found something I really wanted? Who knows. This 9 is not hypomanic, I'm just feeling
happy like a fast-growing plant.
I've been through something similar in the last day
I can't relate to this I'm afraid. It sounds confusing. Is it overwhelming? What have I notied from your posts is that you are very self-aware which is great. You seem to be able to not let your PTSD take control of your life completely. You are
coping and managing it, finding strategies to use. You should be proud of yourself. Glad you are 9 out of 10 right now. :D
KT, it's not overwhelming at all, it's quite nice and quiet. Flashbacks were (are) overwhelming, and this is... I don't know, maybe this is how healthy people remember things?
And thank you for the kind words. I am proud I must say.
canvas that had pencil drawings by Alex on it. Feeling happy and motivated.
Great to hear that :)
So nice to see how your creative outlet motivates and encourages you!
Thank you , Jeff :)
Thank you, Anna :)
ooooh sounds awesome! Enjoy!! :D
about each other's lives, but it's still easy to tell them things. That's nice.
That's a sign of true friendship. When you still feel as connected, when your lives' have changed but the essence of who you are hasn't and you can just fall right back into the level of intimacy you had the last time you communicated.
It's a whole thing. I've been feeling like I can do anything tonight. I've even won at scrabble :D And set a new record. I feel like a new person. I feel hope. Of course I'm still worried about EVERYTHING and then some. But I feel like... giving
thanks. To the universe. Yeah.
Lovely to see some green Alicia 😊x
Thank you, Tayla, thank you, pandas!
who knows what love is will understand ♫ :) I should watch the latest season of The Black Mirror, how chicken can I possibly be??
And then I tell a funny story. That's what I would want. It seems to be working. My ***ing god, have I never tried to be a good person before? This is terrible! It's like I've been living in a dream for 33 years, and then things started to change,
and now I'm just... someone it's worth being? I'm shook. Having thought that, I'm still feeling good. It's a good time to be good. Children, if you are depressed and are hating life, just keep at it, it gets better, I promise.
Getting older is a gift. In a way. In the way that matters.
If you swim using only one leg, doesn't that make you go in circles? :)
Haha Jeffn apparently it doesn't, because I'm better than a boat!
very visible, except that my emotions are more obvious. The idea is that PTSD exists on the spectrum with DID. There is fragmentation to some extent, and triggers send us into 'states'. Those states are not actual distinct personalities.
But we behave differently in those states. The trick is to learn to recognise them (give them names and stories if you want to) and accept them, rather than blame yourself for being 'weird'.
This has been eye-opening for me.
I've always felt a wild inconsistency in my relationships, my behaviour, my desires and goals. I've been told I was 'like several different people all in one' many times. I've learnt about family systems and re-parenting myself, it's been incredible!
This is another step, and I feel good about it. I've asked a part of myself for the first time today: 'How do YOU feel about J?' The response was such pure joy and tenderness, I didn't know I was capable of that. Also, I'm painting all of this :)
This sounds great, Alicia! Can't wait to see how it transfers to your paintings.
*Very* interesting about the link to DID. I have not heard that before. It has occurred to me pretty recently that I can be very similar to what you're describing here and reading this seems timely. ❤️
Jen, I'm very glad it's potentially helpful. I'm new to it as well. From what I understand it's a spectrum of trauma-based responses.
Alice has got it worse... she needs tests to know if it's dangerous or not. I remember the cold feeling I had when I found my lump. Alice is doing good on the outside, but who knows what she's feeling. I've got a lvl 80 poker face myself, but it
doesn't mean I feel nothing, on the contrary, I'm quite the drama queen on the inside. When I thought I might have cancer I had this silly idea, that it would let me do whatever I want before I die. What I would have asked for would be to visit
someone who's become very important to me. I feel like if I keep saying nothing about it Moodpanda will become useless to me. So yeah. The hearts and happy stuff I put on here is because I'm in love. Not the best time for it, or the best situation,
but when was it ever?
That's fantastic. I did wonder, maybe because I'm in love myself and am super sensitive to that right now. You can visit anyway, I hope?
Albertine, I hope so :) I'm happy for you :)
Aw, this is nice and sad to see. Nice that you feel that excitement and happiness. Sad about Inga's daughter. Hope things turn out for the best!
Walking in rain can be so lovely sometimes, glad you're doing well Alicia xxx
thank you so much, Katie!
blaming myself for thinking and thinking about it, and being unable to get out of bed. I did though, eventually. I talked to my favourite one, and then I told myself to go for a walk. I can't say I felt happy right away, but eventually I did.
I don't need to punish myself for every little thought or dream. It's OK to be kind to myself. That's what I would have wanted for the people I love. Right?
Absolutely, don't give it another second of your day
Our dreams are just our subconscious way of dealing with thoughts. Same way you have to acknowledge thoughts and let them go, do the same with dreams. Glad you pushed on!
(the frontwoman is SO charismatic and KEWL), it was nice being out and seeing all the weird and wonderful people. Noticed so many self-harm scars on people. I don't know if it's because I pay more attention now or because they hide me scars less, or
both. I just wish I could help. They are so young and fragile. I did enjoy myself though.
So glad to hear you had such a good time! It sounds lovely! You bring such love into the world! 💞
Thank you, Manda <3
can make me feel very low. I remember when I was a kid in music school, and we had this concert, and I really liked the piece I'd been learning, and I had learned it really well by heart (I was always bad at playing piano without sheet music in front
of me), so I was feeling confident that day. Well, when I say 'confident'... my hands were trembling and they were white and covered with red blotches (does anyone else get that?), but only until I sat down and started playing. I really got into the
music, and the world sort of fell away... That was the only time in my life I got heartfelt applause. I still don't know if it was because I played well, or because I started crying in the process. I was maybe 10 or 11. I would often cry because of
music. It was just too much. Many things were too much. It makes sense I've gone cray eventually. I've cried at 'Swan Lake' last time we went. It doesn't mean I want to listen to music less. I just know to be careful now, and not confuse music
feelings with my other feelings.
Music has a big effect on me too. Sometimes it's so hard to hear certain songs. You are so talented to be gifted on piano & guitar!
i listen to twenty one pilots a lot, they help me so much. Its a 2 man band, a drummer and a singer, the drummer struggles with anxiety and the singer has struggled with self harm and possibly ***e and is fighting through depression still. their
is about fighting through the pain, and telling you to keep going, to keep living. i love their music because i can relate to it and it's my idols telling me to keep living, so please stay alive ||-// (check them out if you get a chance)
Music has a strong effect on me too. I'm glad you are learning how to make it work for you! I get the splochy hands too sometimes, hasn't happened in a couple years, but it looks funny.
I love twenty one pilots too!
Me I Guess L, I only know their song 'Heathens', and I love it. Tried to listen to a full album but didn't get into it the first time, I should give it another try!
Ha, Metron, it's good to know :)
It's crazy the effect music can have, good to know what to avoid when you might be feeling tender though
Trying to talk back to my inner goblin of a critic, and use movement, music and housework to pull myself up by the ears
Bootstraps? Is that the expression? Anyway, I'm moderately successful
This should have been a 4 and last night should have been a 3.
I'm going to pull myself up by the ears, too! It's time. We can do this, love! 🥰
Yes, we can! Go team Panda!