6.3 avg
  574 days
  3719 hugs
  102 followers
8 Alicia B
4h ·
Had to go and see a new psychiatrist because I'm out if Seroquel and mine is on vacation (or something). The new doc who's never met me looked at my history and was like 'Is this all you take? Just a
Alicia B
4h ·

little Seroquel? For Bipolar and PTSD? That can't be right'. I was feeling funny, so I said 'Well, I was diagnosed by the French, what do they know? I feel OK'. She did not appreciate my sense of humour because she was taking her job seriously

Alicia B
4h ·

(good for both of us!). She asked me about my last episode, I told her how long it lasted and how intense it was, and how I handle them these days (remembering they will pass, mostly). She was satisfied that I was OK to keep on living the way I do.

Alicia B
4h ·

Though at the beginning she asked why I lowered the Seroquel (getting fat), and why I've never tried Lithium (I'm scared, honestly), she agreed I seemed to be doing better, especially with my PTSD. I know that. I mean, I didn't know I officially had

Alicia B
4h ·

PTSD up until today, I thought I was imagining things and being a whiny *** and self-diagnosing on the internet like a silly cow. But no, I do. I feel better though, lately. I don't know if it's because I'm hopeful right now in certain areas of my

Alicia B
4h ·

life? It doesn't make sense but I am. Or maybe it's because time has come, and I've worked hard and done my best and it's starting to work.

Alicia B
4h ·

Either way, I feel validated in a way and very glad to see some progress. Mental illness can be so exhausting and feel so hopeless. I'm in a good place and I appreciate that, even if it's temporary.

Metron A
3h ·

*Hugs*

Metron A
3h ·

It sounds like it was good to get another perspective. I'm glad you are in a good place right now.

Jenny D
2h ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
1d ·
Walked to physical therapy and back today. It takes a while but it's nice to be out and about. The smells of grass, and earth and flowers. Ahhh. Another early appointment tomorrow. Feeling good.
Jenny D
1d ·

*Hugs*

Anonmous A
1d ·

*Hugs*

Anonmous A
1d ·

Glad for you. I find the outside helps especially nature. Goodluck at your appt.

John T
15h ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13h ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
3d ·
Been very depressed and anxious all day till I started painting and had some rum. Will give me a 5 for the lovely people in my life.
Gabrielle H
3d ·

*Hugs*

Emma G
3d · NEW

*Hugs*

Penelope P
3d ·

*Hugs*

Robin R
3d ·

*Hugs*

John T
2d ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
2d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
2d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
2d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
4d ·
The day started off crappy but I felt better after going grocery shopping (not alone and in a car, of course). It made me feel like a real human being that does things. My panda friend helped me, too.
Alicia B
4d ·

I don't deserve him. :)

Ian D
4d ·

*Hugs*

Esther B
4d ·

*Hugs*

Esther B
4d ·

Fcourse you do.

Quinny J
4d ·

*Hugs*

Penelope P
4d ·

*Hugs*

John T
3d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
4 Alicia B
5d ·
***, I've talked myself into a downward spiral. Well done, me.
tokimoru T
5d ·

*Hugs*

Gabrielle H
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

*big hugs* Don't get discouraged. I think everyone can get wrapped up with those negative thoughts. Lots of love, Alicia! ๐Ÿ’–

Robert H
5d ·

*Hugs*

John T
5d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
5d ·

Thank you, Manda <3

Anna D
5d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
8 Alicia B
5d ·
After having been driven to physical therapy I spontaneously decided to walk back home. It's 1 km uphill, and it was my first walk on crutches, and it was OK! I really enjoyed being out. Also, I've
Alicia B
5d ·

painted today for a project I'm super excited about, and I saw a smile today that made my day into a perfect one. Yeah, yeah, it's cute, I know :)

Alicia B
5d ·

Oh, I've been hooked on a Dissociative Identity Disorder YouTube channel lately, it's led me to some revelations. You know, the things that one gets intellectually, but it's when they become emotional that they really sink in? I think I get gender

Alicia B
5d ·

dysphoria better (and that's important because of Inga's kid), and self-care, and the whole body-personality thing. It's so hard to put into words, but I feel the thoughts inside my head change and the way I feel about things and people. It's not

Alicia B
5d ·

something I can put into words. I'm just glad I got to think about it and grateful to DissociaDID. Plus, they are charming af!

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

John T
5d ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
5d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
7d ·
I've been feeling anxious all day, I think I need to paint.
John T
7d ·

*Hugs*

John T
7d ·

I can help with that...

Manda P
7d ·

*Hugs*

Aya N
7d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

Oop! Two hugs for you! ๐Ÿค—

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
11 Jun 2019 ·
Coming down after the excitement of the exhibition and the concentration of getting it all ready. I thought it would be worse! On the other hand, this might not be it yet. For now, I'm feeling
Alicia B
11 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Aya N
11 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
11 Jun 2019 ·

melancholic, easily saddened, thinking about things I've done wrong in the past as I tend to when in a depressed phase. I've had such a nice time talking to my friend though, I'm trying to concentrate on that and hang on :)

Alicia B
11 Jun 2019 ·

I'm at a 5 but giving myself a 6 for the way I felt earlier.

Spacekitten V
11 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
12 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
7d ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
11 Jun 2019 ·
Had a good rest yesterday, got very emotional watching 'Submarine'. Overall nice day.
John T
11 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
11 Jun 2019 ·

Oh no... Who recommended that film to you? ๐Ÿ˜ฅ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜„

Manda P
11 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Aya N
11 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
11 Jun 2019 ·

Someone with great taste who will remain unnamed here, John.

Once logged in you can be part of the community
7 Alicia B
09 Jun 2019 ·
Here we are, the festival is over. It was fun! It would have been more so if I didn't have my leg problem. I'm feeling tired after the stress and unusualness of it, but there's also some sense of
Alicia B
09 Jun 2019 ·

accomplishment. I got some good feedback and some criticism (pretty mild), and I'm sort of happy about it all. It was a good experience.

Alicia B
09 Jun 2019 ·

Oh, also a theatre friend came to see the exhibition today, and he said some nice things, and a guy I used to study German with showed up. We had some drinks and chatted for about 3 hours. He told me about his handicapped daughter, I told him about

Alicia B
09 Jun 2019 ·

my Bipolar, it was interesting and quite pleasant.

Jeff M
10 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
10 Jun 2019 ·

What an awesome experience! You should be very proud of yourself!

Ian D
10 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
10 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
11 Jun 2019 ·

Thank you, Jeff :)

Manda P
11 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
11 Jun 2019 ·

I am soooooo proud of you, Alicia! A well deserved honor. Now start working on paintings for the next one! ๐Ÿ’ž

Once logged in you can be part of the community
5 Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·
Yesterday I left my paintings in the company of drunk people playing with VR goggles. They were sitting very close to my stuff, and Inga even asked them to move a little, which they did (like 20 cm),
Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·

but straight away the one sitting closest put on the goggles. I've been worrying about it more today because I've got nothing to do, and I'm not sleepy, and I'm just not as stress-resilient as I'd like to think. It feels stupid telling people about

Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·

these feelings. I mean, they are just paintings, it's not important, but I really don't want to get there today and see something that needs fixing or just taking down. Everything is near impossible to do in my current condition.

Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·

Took a slow acting Quetiapine. Seemed like a good idea in my current mood that will probably only get worse as time progresses, and as I spend the night surrounded by people. People are all different and thus cause all sorts of emotions.

John T
08 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
09 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
09 Jun 2019 ·

Not stupid at all! You are so proud of the painting and the exhibit, and drunk people are prone to ruining things. I don't blame you at all for being concerned. I would be too. Hope everything turns out ok for today!

Alicia B
09 Jun 2019 ·

thank you, Jeff. Everything is OK, those guys moved rooms after we left :)

Once logged in you can be part of the community
7 Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·
I had fun hanging out with other artists today. Also, watching people look at my paintings. Some spent quite a while in my room, but not many. There were not many people in general, maybe there'll be
Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·

more on Saturday or Sunday. What I realized is once people are forced to look at my paintings, they do find something they like. So the trick is making them stop and look :)

Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·

I'm so very tired. Happy to be home and in bed after all the excitement.

Jenny D
08 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jimbob W
08 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
08 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
09 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
8 Alicia B
06 Jun 2019 ·
We did it! We hung all of my paintings today, everything is ready for the festival that starts tomorrow. I'm excited and a bit worried about a painting falling down or something. It's a very old
Alicia B
06 Jun 2019 ·

building where they do immersive shows and things like that, and the walls in my room are like old brick partially covered with some cement here and thereโ€ฆ It doesn't look very reliable. But that's OK, it's only my first time. Mum is being critical

Alicia B
06 Jun 2019 ·

(in her own subtle and gaslightey way) about the exhibition. I really don't care. I know that it's not perfect, and I wasn't expecting perfection on my first try. I'm old and wise (blowing raspberries at imaginary mum).

Gy G
06 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jenny D
07 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

May A
07 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
07 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
07 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
07 Jun 2019 ·

That is so amazing, Alicia. I'm so happy and excited for you! I hope you take lots of pictures and post them to IG so we can feel we're there enjoying your exhibit and seeing all the other people appreciating your talent!

Albertine M
07 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
07 Jun 2019 ·

Congratulations and so proud of you! How cool! Agree with Jeff - would love to see it!

Alicia B
08 Jun 2019 ·

I'm hoping that tomorrow or Sunday Inga will take some pics with the good camera. Otherwise I'll post bad ones :) I'm touched that you want to see them! And by all your kind words. Thank you, pandas.

Once logged in you can be part of the community
9 Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·
I need to write this down before the exhibition happens and I'm all disappointed, or just crash after all the excitement. Something's changed lately. I don't hate to see myself in the mirror anymore.
Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

Well, rarely and it doesn't last long. I don't procrastinate anymore. Whether it's something I like or hate doing, I just go do it. I still get irritated by vacuum cleaners and my size every once in a while, but it doesn't last. Most of the time

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

I feel... calm. Happy. The opposite of anxious. I'm not anxious about not having a job, and I'm not anxious about starting a ***ty one, either. I'm fine with making mistakes in German. I'll get there. I've got... self-worth? Is that it?

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

Is this what it feels like? Well, what the hell happened? Where did it come from? Getting away from a toxic relationship was really good for me. It was very hard to do, and I've been in pain for a year and a half, but it's done miracles for my mental

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

health. I haven't been passive all this time, either. I did exercises, I read and watched and listened to a ton of stuff on psychology. And I did my own art therapy. It may sound strange, but I think painting played a huge role.

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

Starting and completing a project is VERY good for the mind, for being more optimistic, and for self-esteem. Also, to paint what's bothering me I need to understand what's bothering me. Painting's made me more emotionally literate (great concept,

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

look it up), and that, in turn, has made me more accepting of my feelings. And that's made me suppress them less, and that's made my inner child (or true self or whatever) feel like it's being heard. And that's made it come out and play, so I finally

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

had the chance to meet ME. That's helped with the feelings of emptiness. I still get miserable and lonely and feel little and helpless when depressed, but the hole in my soul that's been the worst about all this is not entirely empty now.

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

And last but not least... I met a dude with whom I could try and be myself (I was finally ready to try that). I don't pretend everything is OK with him, I don't try to be better than I am, and I also don't judge, and expect, and feel distrust and

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

fear and contempt (I used to be such a dick to men! I did have my reasons, but that's no way to feel about half the human race. I am truly sorry). I've never been this open with anyone, not since childhood. It's been very therapeutic and a great

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

pleasure. I'm lucky that way, I meet most wonderful people sometimes.

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

It's not my birthday or the New Year's, but I want to say it's been a great year. I feel grateful, just like I did 3 years ago when I realized what was happening, got my diagnosis and started my journey to a better life. I felt so inspired back then,

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

and I'm feeling inspired again now.

Jeff M
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
05 Jun 2019 ·

You're inspiring to me too! Really happy to read how well you're doing (and not just because this happened TO you, but because you made it happen!).

Alicia B
05 Jun 2019 ·

Thank you, Jeffy, I'm really glad it inspires you :)

me M
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

me M
05 Jun 2019 ·

I'm happy for you, thank you for sharing. You deserve it :)

Brandt B
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Ade W
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
05 Jun 2019 ·

LOVE this! I see a lot of similarities to myself here. We need to love ourselves. Our whole self. Maybe this is part of growing older? I feel like I'm finally meeting ME & she's not so bad. Glad you have an artistic outlet. You are sharing...

Manda P
05 Jun 2019 ·

...yourself in such an intimate way & I know there are people like me who see themselves in your paintings. It feels so good to have something represent those feelings. Thank you for being amazing! ๐Ÿ’–

John T
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
06 Jun 2019 ·

Thank you, Manda, you really are too kind <3 I'm very happy to know you are feeling some of the same good things right now. Getting older is kind of nice!

Manda P
11 Jun 2019 ·

Yep, it isn't so bad! xx

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
04 Jun 2019 ·
The crutch I'll take to the festival is ready, it just needs some varnish so the acrylic paint doesn't run once I start sweating all over it. I hope it helps. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll also
Alicia B
04 Jun 2019 ·

need to spray some varnish on several pan

Alicia B
04 Jun 2019 ·

(finger slipped) paintings, and print and cut out the little paper thingies with the names of the paintings (forgot the word AGAIN), and I'll be all set. I'm not anxious or worried anymore. I'm looking forward to it. On a more somber note,

Alicia B
04 Jun 2019 ·

my shoulder is killing me.

Aya N
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
05 Jun 2019 ·

It's so cool that you are giving your crutch some love too!

John T
05 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
7 Alicia B
03 Jun 2019 ·
Another lovely day, except for a very sore shoulder and a bit of a headache. Did the little loops on the back of my flat paintings to hang them. Painted parts of the crutch. Enjoying this life a lot.
Jenny D
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

May A
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Gabrielle H
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Mary F
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Seref D
03 Jun 2019 · NEW

*Hugs*

Jeff M
04 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
04 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
04 Jun 2019 ·

Sounds lovely! Nice to see you in a consistent green mood. I wish I could go to the exhibition! xx

John T
04 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
04 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
04 Jun 2019 ·

Aw, Manda, I really wish you could be there, too.

Once logged in you can be part of the community
8 Alicia B
02 Jun 2019 ·
A very nice day. Fun chatting online, finished the painting (now I definitely have enough stuff for my wall), enjoyed the fresh air on the balcony with Inga, was OK when mum had gone weird about the
Alicia B
02 Jun 2019 ·

spelling of my name in English and German. No irritation whatsoever (I see now that it's a problem of mine. Most of the time I don't act on it, but it's such a killjoy. I'll monitor it for a while on here if I don't forget). So yeah. Nice day.

John T
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
03 Jun 2019 ·

I hope you enjoyed talking to those Russian speakers about an in-depth discussion of the fuctions of dopamine on the brain.

John T
03 Jun 2019 ·

(Ooops wrong chat!)

John T
03 Jun 2019 ·

Seriously though... Your paintings are great! The exhibition is lucky to have you

Aya N
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
03 Jun 2019 ·

Aww thank you, my dear John.

Albertine M
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
04 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
8 Alicia B
01 Jun 2019 ·
I wanted to write about this earlier but I forgot. I'm giving me an 8 just for this one thing. I've been looking through old photos (from 9 and 10 years ago), and naturally I saw some pictures of my
Alicia B
01 Jun 2019 ·

ex husband. And I felt NOTHING. I looked at him and though: he's just a regular dude. He used to seem so handsome to me, like a movie star. It used to be painful to look at those photos, and to remember. Thank god! 12 years he's had a hold on me.

Alicia B
01 Jun 2019 ·

It's finally really over.

me M
02 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

me M
02 Jun 2019 ·

That's exactly why I want quiet from him, because I know it will lead me to this place!. I'm happy for you:)

Albertine M
02 Jun 2019 ·

Woo! That is fantastic - proud of the hard work

Albertine M
02 Jun 2019 ·

you've done to get there! xx

Jeff M
02 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
02 Jun 2019 ·

me M, you can do it! I absolutely know it's possible now :)

Alicia B
02 Jun 2019 ·

Thank you, Albertine

Anna D
02 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
02 Jun 2019 ·

Congrats!!! :)

Brandt B
02 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Brandt B
02 Jun 2019 ·

Good for you, Alicia. Me M, you will get there. Be patient with yourself.

Ian D
03 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
01 Jun 2019 ·
Still not sure about that painting. Might be better to just drop it for a month :) I had one of those hours today when I get a little dopamine rush (I suppose that's what it is, since it happens for
Alicia B
01 Jun 2019 ·

no apparent reason and a dopamine dysregulation is supposed to be the chemical reason for Bipolar mood swings?). It's nice I get those. The evening wasn't so pleasant though. Irritated af by Alex. It could be a bipolar thing as well. Also, some

Alicia B
01 Jun 2019 ·

things about myself that I realize but can't changeโ€ฆ right away? I've changed a lot in these last 3 years, I'm sure this can change, too. Will see.

Penelope P
01 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Mary F
01 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
02 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community
6 Alicia B
01 Jun 2019 ·
OK day yesterday, not satisfied with how a painting is turning out, but don't quite know what to do with it. Don't you just love when that's your main problem of the day?
Robert H
01 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
01 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
01 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
01 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Ade W
02 Jun 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Once logged in you can be part of the community