something, and being worth something. It sounds ridiculous and probably offensive to people with disabilities, I know. But I did feel better having a problem. It wasn't the first time in my life either. Mental issues are different. You can't just be
brave and positive in the face of depression and psychosis. You go to pieces, and you loose all semblance of dignity, and you are ugly with the snot dripping from your nose, and people around think you are weak, and YOU think you are weak.
I hate my brain. I wish I could just be OK most of the time. You know, not depressed. Just fine with life like some people I know and love. Upset when there's reason, fine when there's none. Sorry, guys, I needed to rant.
I just feel so weird these days. Like I'm realizing something about myself yet again, and I need to come to terms with it, and it's hard.
It's great! You're great!
Thank you <3
Good for you... interested to see what you do on a black canvas!
I know, I loved the feeling when I got up and just started drawing again, I did one of the best drawings I have ever done
Loved your new piece! ❤️
Thank you, Jeff and Manda <3 for your interest in the stuff
Puggy, I'm so happy for the both of us :) I'd like to see your drawings, are you on IG or something?
Hope you feel better soon, Alicia. This reminds me to start journaling. I'm going to do it tonight. I used to do it regularly for years. I even have an online journal at opendiary.com that I started in 2000. I pay $5 a month to keep it. History.
I hope you are feeling better too. Not everything is comprehensible (the brain is finite). Realising that can clear things up by itself.
Thank you, pandas <3
see me, I've worked through some issues back in Portugal (they are issues I had worked through before and probably will work through again, because they keep coming back, but still it's a good thing), I feel like I'm doing OK. Surprised to have lost
no weight though. Honestly, it felt like I was working twice as hard every day. I seem to be stuck. I'm not upset though, well, maybe just a little. I'm feeling good in general, and I'm proud of my stoicism. I didn't ruin anything for anyone on this
trip, and though I was in constant physical pain I still really enjoyed myself (cramps, horrible cramps from using the muscles I don't normally use). This is the side of myself I really like.
Glad you are feeling better & were able to enjoy yourself. Now don't cheat on your instructions of rest, Missy! xx
I'm glad you are feeling better. Have a good evening and reply to my message I'm bored.
really happy, too, until I remembered that D. was two hours away from here when we met online back in 2006. I was so glad to not be thinking of those times lately. I'm tired.
Tired of him in my head. Go away, dude.
Glad you were able to go! Some people just can't be evicted from our heads, but maybe you will learn how best to live with him there and be ok with it. If not, a sharp pencil to the ear might do it! (kidding!)
disturbing angle and would not hold me. ***.
I just got an appointment at the doctor's. I'm supposed to be on a plane tomorrow. Today is Inga's birthday. Trying hard not to spiral out. I've come to rely on physical activity to keep my mind in check. Also, counting calories and waiting for more
weight loss has been a great coping strategy. When I'm focused on that I'm not focused on other things. Which maybe I should be. I'm not sure what they are, but probably scary for me. Also, asking someone for help all the time is not my cup of tea.
Also supposed to be on a plane tomorrow, I'm fairly anxious about it.I hope you can manage to get your flight. I will visit GO today and see if he can help my anxiety I seem to have developed.
Yikes, hope the leg is ok! RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation). Good luck tomorrow. Remember that seeing a doctor for a medical issue is always appropriate and not just asking for help!
Hope you can get your injury sorted out. It sounds so painful! It's always ok to ask for help.
Lee, fingers crossed for both of us! Jeff, by asking for help I meant bring me drinks and stuff like that.. It's a good practice for me. Accepting help is a good thing to know how to do, I should think
Thank you, Manda 💜
Oh, I got ya. Yeah, it's hard to need assistance, but it is good to learn how to graciously let others help us.
before leaving for Portugal though. Maybe tonight.
with Inga lately, and I'm doing good on my own as well when it comes to self awareness and stuff. I'm still struggling with my problems, but whenever there is progress, there is good mood. As Mark Twain (I think) said, happiness is believing you will
be happy soon. He put it better, of course.
and how we all get closer and then push away from each other like Brown'ian Movement. It made me feel infinitely better, I'm sort of almost feeling good and relieved now. I guess I needed a conversation with abandon. One during which one doesn't
really filter what one says, you know?
Also, I must confess, a little tequila helped me with that talk. In moderation, don't worry! (I know you don't)
Easier to be honest when we're not getting in our own way, and alcohol definitely helps with that! I'm glad you found a way to help yourself!
in the mood for a quiz at all. Our team might cancel because too few people can play tonight. I guess everyone is on vacation. Or upset since the last game. Ugh I hate feeling like this.
Hope it passes soon
Hope you are feeling better by now, Alicia. xx
Thank you, lovely pandas !=
bad it is for this and that, and how much time it takes for the body to recover etc. terribly irritating. Why? I mean, it's all true. Nobody's forcing me to do anything, it's just information that Inga's found because SHE drank too much last Saturday
It only makes sense as an old defence mechanism from when I did not ever intend to limit my drinking. Defence mechanisms tend to misfire a lot, don't they? These bastards even turn into personality disorders sometimes. Well. I'm hoping that now I've
thought about it and wrote about it I won't feel irritated anymore. It usually helps.
Keep going. It gets easier.
Well done, Alicia! Keep it up. You're doing great! 💖
very confident and sociable and relaxed with fellow human beings. I'm no just back to normal in that regard. I'm at an all time high for ease of human interaction. I'm happy about that. Been wasting way too much energy on social anxiety all my life.
It's hard to say what's changed me this much. I'm sure feeling better about myself plays a big role. It's made me nicer and more patient with everyone, not just me.
Happy to see the rebound!
Thank you, Jeff :)
Very kind of you to notice :)
I just heard a horses again. Ah it's walking past my window.
A bus had to drive past incredibly slowly.
prone to bouts of intense sadness, but it used to be about just one thing at a time, and that thing was either about the present or something in the past. It's only in France that it turned into an all-encompassing thing. Seeing life as a series of
losses and failures with the addition of the gripping fear that it's only going to get worse. That it's all downhill from here. That's what's made me ***al. I don't think it's a coincidence that it happened when I was in a bad relationship. Looks
like it was more dangerous for me than I knew. I'm still trying to get out of that hole. I'm doing my best. It's just so damn hard to lift The French Curse.
was helping, so I'm going to start again. Especially since I don't have a therapist… I need to pour my stupid thoughts in some direction. Also, the shop had small black canvases, I just couldn't help myself. I need to order some paint, too.
I need to do something nice. I don't know what yet.
I hope you found something nice!
Thank you, Jeff :)) I painted some, and that always puts me in a good mood.
has been. Is it the right way to go about it? Probably not. I probably need to talk about this more than I need to talk about anything. I just can't. I've had the desire to write about it, and I have a little bit. I haven't written about anything in
a while. Now I'm alone and it's just going to be tears and snot for a while. I will feel better in the morning, but this problem, it won't go away on it's own. It's a closure thing. I know I need to go to Moscow and talk to a person. Probably.
I'm not sure closure it attainable, but I do feel I need to try. I don't think Inga would understand the need though. Or would she? She might. I'm such a coward. I've been a coward in so many ways throughout this whole story. I'm so sorry.
I can't remember the last time I'd felt so bad about myself. More and more reasons to be miserable pile up, of course. I think I'm just going to take the double of seroquel right now. Good thing I've got it.
Sounds tough. I think you should go to Moscow,to talk to the person and try and find closure. And also maybe speak about this to a therapist?! If it keeps coming up, you definitely need to resolve your feelings over it.
You are right KToA, I need to talk about it. But I don't have a therapist right now. I live in Germany now, and I can't do therapy in German yet, and there are not many therapists around who agree to work in English.
Ah OK I see. Online therapy? Or at least try journalling. I find it very helpful for processing my emotions. xx