little Seroquel? For Bipolar and PTSD? That can't be right'. I was feeling funny, so I said 'Well, I was diagnosed by the French, what do they know? I feel OK'. She did not appreciate my sense of humour because she was taking her job seriously
(good for both of us!). She asked me about my last episode, I told her how long it lasted and how intense it was, and how I handle them these days (remembering they will pass, mostly). She was satisfied that I was OK to keep on living the way I do.
Though at the beginning she asked why I lowered the Seroquel (getting fat), and why I've never tried Lithium (I'm scared, honestly), she agreed I seemed to be doing better, especially with my PTSD. I know that. I mean, I didn't know I officially had
PTSD up until today, I thought I was imagining things and being a whiny *** and self-diagnosing on the internet like a silly cow. But no, I do. I feel better though, lately. I don't know if it's because I'm hopeful right now in certain areas of my
life? It doesn't make sense but I am. Or maybe it's because time has come, and I've worked hard and done my best and it's starting to work.
Either way, I feel validated in a way and very glad to see some progress. Mental illness can be so exhausting and feel so hopeless. I'm in a good place and I appreciate that, even if it's temporary.
It sounds like it was good to get another perspective. I'm glad you are in a good place right now.
Glad for you. I find the outside helps especially nature. Goodluck at your appt.
I don't deserve him. :)
Fcourse you do.
*big hugs* Don't get discouraged. I think everyone can get wrapped up with those negative thoughts. Lots of love, Alicia! 💖
Thank you, Manda <3
painted today for a project I'm super excited about, and I saw a smile today that made my day into a perfect one. Yeah, yeah, it's cute, I know :)
Oh, I've been hooked on a Dissociative Identity Disorder YouTube channel lately, it's led me to some revelations. You know, the things that one gets intellectually, but it's when they become emotional that they really sink in? I think I get gender
dysphoria better (and that's important because of Inga's kid), and self-care, and the whole body-personality thing. It's so hard to put into words, but I feel the thoughts inside my head change and the way I feel about things and people. It's not
something I can put into words. I'm just glad I got to think about it and grateful to DissociaDID. Plus, they are charming af!
I can help with that...
Oop! Two hugs for you! 🤗
melancholic, easily saddened, thinking about things I've done wrong in the past as I tend to when in a depressed phase. I've had such a nice time talking to my friend though, I'm trying to concentrate on that and hang on :)
I'm at a 5 but giving myself a 6 for the way I felt earlier.
Oh no... Who recommended that film to you? 😥🤔😄
Someone with great taste who will remain unnamed here, John.
accomplishment. I got some good feedback and some criticism (pretty mild), and I'm sort of happy about it all. It was a good experience.
Oh, also a theatre friend came to see the exhibition today, and he said some nice things, and a guy I used to study German with showed up. We had some drinks and chatted for about 3 hours. He told me about his handicapped daughter, I told him about
my Bipolar, it was interesting and quite pleasant.
What an awesome experience! You should be very proud of yourself!
Thank you, Jeff :)
I am soooooo proud of you, Alicia! A well deserved honor. Now start working on paintings for the next one! 💞
but straight away the one sitting closest put on the goggles. I've been worrying about it more today because I've got nothing to do, and I'm not sleepy, and I'm just not as stress-resilient as I'd like to think. It feels stupid telling people about
these feelings. I mean, they are just paintings, it's not important, but I really don't want to get there today and see something that needs fixing or just taking down. Everything is near impossible to do in my current condition.
Took a slow acting Quetiapine. Seemed like a good idea in my current mood that will probably only get worse as time progresses, and as I spend the night surrounded by people. People are all different and thus cause all sorts of emotions.
Not stupid at all! You are so proud of the painting and the exhibit, and drunk people are prone to ruining things. I don't blame you at all for being concerned. I would be too. Hope everything turns out ok for today!
thank you, Jeff. Everything is OK, those guys moved rooms after we left :)
more on Saturday or Sunday. What I realized is once people are forced to look at my paintings, they do find something they like. So the trick is making them stop and look :)
I'm so very tired. Happy to be home and in bed after all the excitement.
building where they do immersive shows and things like that, and the walls in my room are like old brick partially covered with some cement here and there… It doesn't look very reliable. But that's OK, it's only my first time. Mum is being critical
(in her own subtle and gaslightey way) about the exhibition. I really don't care. I know that it's not perfect, and I wasn't expecting perfection on my first try. I'm old and wise (blowing raspberries at imaginary mum).
That is so amazing, Alicia. I'm so happy and excited for you! I hope you take lots of pictures and post them to IG so we can feel we're there enjoying your exhibit and seeing all the other people appreciating your talent!
Congratulations and so proud of you! How cool! Agree with Jeff - would love to see it!
I'm hoping that tomorrow or Sunday Inga will take some pics with the good camera. Otherwise I'll post bad ones :) I'm touched that you want to see them! And by all your kind words. Thank you, pandas.
Well, rarely and it doesn't last long. I don't procrastinate anymore. Whether it's something I like or hate doing, I just go do it. I still get irritated by vacuum cleaners and my size every once in a while, but it doesn't last. Most of the time
I feel... calm. Happy. The opposite of anxious. I'm not anxious about not having a job, and I'm not anxious about starting a ***ty one, either. I'm fine with making mistakes in German. I'll get there. I've got... self-worth? Is that it?
Is this what it feels like? Well, what the hell happened? Where did it come from? Getting away from a toxic relationship was really good for me. It was very hard to do, and I've been in pain for a year and a half, but it's done miracles for my mental
health. I haven't been passive all this time, either. I did exercises, I read and watched and listened to a ton of stuff on psychology. And I did my own art therapy. It may sound strange, but I think painting played a huge role.
Starting and completing a project is VERY good for the mind, for being more optimistic, and for self-esteem. Also, to paint what's bothering me I need to understand what's bothering me. Painting's made me more emotionally literate (great concept,
look it up), and that, in turn, has made me more accepting of my feelings. And that's made me suppress them less, and that's made my inner child (or true self or whatever) feel like it's being heard. And that's made it come out and play, so I finally
had the chance to meet ME. That's helped with the feelings of emptiness. I still get miserable and lonely and feel little and helpless when depressed, but the hole in my soul that's been the worst about all this is not entirely empty now.
And last but not least... I met a dude with whom I could try and be myself (I was finally ready to try that). I don't pretend everything is OK with him, I don't try to be better than I am, and I also don't judge, and expect, and feel distrust and
fear and contempt (I used to be such a dick to men! I did have my reasons, but that's no way to feel about half the human race. I am truly sorry). I've never been this open with anyone, not since childhood. It's been very therapeutic and a great
pleasure. I'm lucky that way, I meet most wonderful people sometimes.
It's not my birthday or the New Year's, but I want to say it's been a great year. I feel grateful, just like I did 3 years ago when I realized what was happening, got my diagnosis and started my journey to a better life. I felt so inspired back then,
and I'm feeling inspired again now.
You're inspiring to me too! Really happy to read how well you're doing (and not just because this happened TO you, but because you made it happen!).
Thank you, Jeffy, I'm really glad it inspires you :)
I'm happy for you, thank you for sharing. You deserve it :)
LOVE this! I see a lot of similarities to myself here. We need to love ourselves. Our whole self. Maybe this is part of growing older? I feel like I'm finally meeting ME & she's not so bad. Glad you have an artistic outlet. You are sharing...
...yourself in such an intimate way & I know there are people like me who see themselves in your paintings. It feels so good to have something represent those feelings. Thank you for being amazing! 💖
Thank you, Manda, you really are too kind <3 I'm very happy to know you are feeling some of the same good things right now. Getting older is kind of nice!
Yep, it isn't so bad! xx
need to spray some varnish on several pan
(finger slipped) paintings, and print and cut out the little paper thingies with the names of the paintings (forgot the word AGAIN), and I'll be all set. I'm not anxious or worried anymore. I'm looking forward to it. On a more somber note,
my shoulder is killing me.
It's so cool that you are giving your crutch some love too!
Sounds lovely! Nice to see you in a consistent green mood. I wish I could go to the exhibition! xx
Aw, Manda, I really wish you could be there, too.
spelling of my name in English and German. No irritation whatsoever (I see now that it's a problem of mine. Most of the time I don't act on it, but it's such a killjoy. I'll monitor it for a while on here if I don't forget). So yeah. Nice day.
I hope you enjoyed talking to those Russian speakers about an in-depth discussion of the fuctions of dopamine on the brain.
(Ooops wrong chat!)
Seriously though... Your paintings are great! The exhibition is lucky to have you
Aww thank you, my dear John.
ex husband. And I felt NOTHING. I looked at him and though: he's just a regular dude. He used to seem so handsome to me, like a movie star. It used to be painful to look at those photos, and to remember. Thank god! 12 years he's had a hold on me.
It's finally really over.
That's exactly why I want quiet from him, because I know it will lead me to this place!. I'm happy for you:)
Woo! That is fantastic - proud of the hard work
you've done to get there! xx
me M, you can do it! I absolutely know it's possible now :)
Thank you, Albertine
Good for you, Alicia. Me M, you will get there. Be patient with yourself.
no apparent reason and a dopamine dysregulation is supposed to be the chemical reason for Bipolar mood swings?). It's nice I get those. The evening wasn't so pleasant though. Irritated af by Alex. It could be a bipolar thing as well. Also, some
things about myself that I realize but can't change… right away? I've changed a lot in these last 3 years, I'm sure this can change, too. Will see.